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LeBron Hires HypnotistFacebooktwitterlinkedinmail

Siefried, the world’s preeminent hypnotist, proudly steps into the Cavaliers locker room after game three and says, “Where is LeBron? I’ve come to accept his congratulations.”

“I’m right here, you charlatan,” says the star, stepping close and looking down.

“I beg your pardon. Can you not count?”

“I count fine. We just lost by eight and trail three games zip.”

“Stephen Curry, who had scorched you from downtown in game two, misfired his first nine three-pointers. I sent him into a shooter’s nightmare despite having a devil of a time getting him to sit still and look at my gold watch swinging on a golden chain.”

“I’m not concerned with the difficulties of your job. That’s why I paid you five million.”

Tyronn Lue, his face tight, is standing nearby, listening. He approaches and asks, “Wouldn’t that be against league rules, LeBron?”

“I’ve never heard of any no-hypnosis rule, Coach. This guy just didn’t get it done.”

“Try to be fair, LeBron,” says Lue. “He did shut down Curry.”

“But he didn’t do squat about Durant.”

“I tried,” says Siegfried.

“For another five million, I expect better.”

“The task proved impossible.”


“I was starting to entice him to the other side when Draymond Green ran over and snatched my watch.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” asks LeBron

“I decided it better not to.”

“So you could protect your fee.”

“That’s not entirely true, LeBron. I thought if you believed Durant was diminished you might be able to make it so.”

“I needed to prepare myself for the truth.”

“Gentlemen,” says Siegfried, looking at LeBron and Lue, “sometimes it’s better not to know. Imagine if you’d had images of Kevin Durant, taller and longer and a better shooter than all your players, you’d have suffered before the game and even more so in the first quarter, a bitter foretaste, when he hit all his shots and scored thirteen points. At least you led by one at the buzzer. Please also note that at this point I tried to distract Durant by reflecting light from my wristwatch into his eyes. It may have helped. He missed three shots in the second quarter and only had twenty-four points at halftime. But that was rather ominous when he swished the three just before the buzzer. Still, the Cavaliers were up by six.”

Tyronn Lue, a kind and soft-spoken man, says, “Maybe you could’ve done something during the break.”

“What? At least I did pray. Did you? You should have. While Curry continued clanking, Durant kept extending those long arms over your defenders and draining threes and other jumpers. Thankfully, you only trailed by two after three quarters. Durant stayed hot in the fourth quarter. You should’ve denied him the ball. And you should’ve protected your leads, ninety-five to ninety-four and ninety-seven to ninety-six. Durant erased the former with a jumper and Curry hit a two and, finally, a three, but you still had a chance when LeBron’s triple made it a hundred to a hundred one, and even after Andre Iguodala’s basket you guys only trailed by three until you let Durant bury another three, his sixth.”

“We didn’t let Durant do anything,” says LeBron. “He didn’t shoot a three, that was a hail Mary from Lake Erie. If a guy’s gonna make that and score forty-three points, congratulations.”

“What’re you doing with my watch? LeBron…”

“Basketball and Football” by George Thomas Clark

This entry was posted in Basketball, Cleveland, Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors, Kevin Durant, Kevin Love, Lebron James, Stephen Curry, Tyronn Lue.