Alcohol v. Pot

I was a happy tourist at the pinnacle of Washington’s Monument when I became woozy and awakened an indeterminate time later in a dungeon. God, kidnapped by terrorists, I thought but reconsidered when several white males, attired in green surgical gowns, marched in and one said, “Experimentation will begin when the chief returns.” “Who’s he…

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Rand Paul in Berkeley

You aren’t going to get me to admit it, so quit trying. I never said blacks shouldn’t be served in any restaurant they choose. I said owners can’t be denied the right to serve only those they want, and no government should interfere. That would be tyranny. I’ll tell you how to deter tyrannical politicians.…

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Putin Warns the West

Don’t call me shorty or I’ll throw you over my hip. I’m a superpower leader ready to protect the Russian people who’ve so often been “not merely robbed but plundered” by such heathens as Napoleon, Hitler, Bush father and son, Clinton, and Obama, the latter four deluded Americans who claim God wants them to “determine…

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Nikita Khrushchev Explains

Don’t blame me Vladimir Putin’s grabbing the Crimea sixty years after I bestowed that lovely peninsula on Ukraine, the great Russian Breadbasket where I’d forged my political career and found a bride. Listen to my son, Sergei. He’s a wizard in computers and missiles and holds multiple advanced degrees and teaches at Brown University and…

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Crimean Anschluss

Be assured: if I, instead of slumbering Stalin, had been running Russia in 1941, the Germans wouldn’t have attacked and mauled us because I would’ve already smashed them. I understand what’s necessary. We must keep enemies away from our frontiers. The United States and its European mercenaries will not be allowed to surround us with…

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Vladimir Putin Attacks

The United States is shaking while all of Europe trembles. They know they can’t stop me. No one can. I’m master politician black belt in judo and consummate stud who took down sacrilegious female rockers Pussy Riot and sent them to jail same place many other critics spend years contemplating dangers of contradicting their leader…

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Free Chapo Guzman

No one paid us. No one gave us food or alcohol. No one told us to march in the streets of Culiacan. We marched and carried signs with hundreds maybe thousands of others because we love Chapo Guzman and want him freed from prison immediately. Chapo is our hero. He creates jobs and gives money…

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