Archive for 2013
Kim Jong Un Betrayed by Uncle
I don’t care what they say in other countries. They now understand I really do control everything inside North Korea. My revered father, Kim Jong-Il, had entrusted his sister’s husband, Jang Song Thaek, to tutor me in diplomacy and military science but instead of treating me as a prodigy he often smirked, even after I…
Read MoreViva Madiba
I like Mort Zuckerman’s one-word characterization of Mandela last night on PBS: Incandescent. Viva Madiba
Read MoreThe In Crowd
I’m a leader and other girls do what I say and fifteen are helping me deal with Rebecca. I’m bigger and can easily beat her up by myself but that’s not the point. I want everyone to hate her. She used to see a guy who dropped her for me. That’s not enough either. The…
Read MoreEnd of Suffering
Frankly, I don’t often feel well and really should say I never do. I don’t know what the problem is but try to feel better by smoking bath salts, not the stuff you use in the tub but a combination of chemicals that’re way stronger than amphetamines. This morning the bath salts hit me much…
Read MoreRhinos Battle Poachers
Thank you, humans, after centuries of slaughtering rhinos and driving many of our species into extinction and others to the brink, for trying to implant microchips in horns of all Kenyan white rhinos you can shoot with tranquilizers and thereby track poachers who kill us, and presumably arrest, prosecute, and convict the heathens who love…
Read MoreTyphoon in the Philippines
Wish I’d stayed in the mountains but years ago moved to the coast and became a fisherman and usually did pretty well and survived countless typhoons, annual curses in the Philippines, by grabbing my family and rushing into mountains which weren’t always hospitable flooding down toward us but we’d always dodged. This time, before we…
Read MoreDolphin Brother Supports Incognito
This story is in the collection “Basketball and Football”
Read MorePrime Real Estate
Come on in. This Tijuana home may be modest but it’s yours for a tenth you’d pay in San Diego. Now, step back here and check out the kitchen. You won’t have to go out front or back doors. Leave through this fine tunnel and relax in the little rail car rolling seven hundred yards…
Read MoreGodane Wants You
Bin Laden considered me extreme and sneered when I wrote, “At your service, Osama.” Good riddance. Al Qaeda’s irrelevant. Come and join Shabaab. I shall liberate all Muslims. As a prerequisite I’ve eliminated many former allies who were soft and didn’t understand we must ceaselessly destroy invading Kenyans and Somali traitors and foreign teachers and…
Read MoreSaudi Woman Driver
Last night as aroused husband attempted to mount I closed legs and said, “Give me the keys. I’ve places to go in the morning.” “I’ll take you.” “You’ll be at work.” “My brother’ll drive.” “He’ll be late if he comes at all. Give me the keys.” “You can’t drive. It’s contrary to Saudi law and…
Read MoreEmployment Agent
This story appears in the collection “In Other Hands”
Read MoreNetanyahu Assails Rouhani
All Iranian leaders are wolves. Ahmadinejad dressed like wolf so was less dangerous than new President Hassan Rouhani who’s disguised as sheep so can pull wool over international eyes. He wants you to forget decade ago he masterminded hiding nuclear weapons program. He didn’t fool Israel. No one fools us. And we pray he won’t…
Read MoreNew Iranian President
I am Hassan Rouhani, new president of Iran and most reasonable and educated man. I speak Persian, Arabic, and English well, received law degree in Scotland, and have served Iran in many high military, diplomatic, and political offices. No one has more relevant experience. I understand people and universal need for expression and think you…
Read MoreFlight of Insanity
During my recent trip to Spain film director Pedro Almodóvar calls and invites me to join him on a short flight from Madrid to Marbella. Since I’ve never flown first class or met movie celebrities, I accept, figuring I’ll learn much about filmmaking. What a horrific misconception. First, I can’t find Pedro, and the flight…
Read MoreShorty Belton
Bombs, bullets, bayonets, and insanity dominate island Okinawa in spring 1945 as American soldiers kill hundred thousand Japanese soldiers who kill and wound sixty-five thousand Americans, and both slaughter thousands of natives. Someone shoots Shorty Belton in leg. He’s lucky, surviving in relative good health, and returns to Spokane where he marries, raises family, works…
Read MoreKarzai Angry
I’m often angry. Afghanistan’s been at war decades and American ally continues to kill many civilians. Last week in eastern Kunar province drone blew up four women and four children in addition to three alleged terrorists. Afghans wail when this happens and demand I evict Americans. I’d like to. I want high-tech killers out. I…
Read MorePutin on Syrian Gas
Let’s be honest. I’m shrewdest politician in world. I maneuver into many terms as president, deftly gag dissenters, jail Pussy Riot female rockers who belittle Christ, and now I write columns for New York Times. If life weren’t so good in Russia I’d move to Big Apple and comment full-time. I have special insight into…
Read MoreOur Son
He’s good son until bipolar disorder attacks in high school and makes crazy, and Dad and I are relieved he marries bipolar woman and moves away so we rarely see. Years later he calls and says she divorced him, and I overrule Dad and say, we’ve got to make room. In few days he’s scarier…
Read MoreLast Bodyguard
I study painting like young Fuehrer but as he did abandon studio to protect Fatherland. Stalin’s hordes are occupying other half of Poland in 1939 when someone shoots me in chest. Go home, superiors say. No, I can still serve. They agree and I soon earn introduction to Fuehrer who speaks politely and allows me…
Read MoreBack Yard Hole
What’re you doing home, Fred, wife said. Sick of job. How’ll we live. Fred didn’t answer. He grabbed shovel in garage, put on work gloves, walked into back yard, and started digging. He dug fast, heaving dirt far as possible, and hole got wide and deep by sundown. What in God’s name, said wife. Fred…
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