Archive for 2009
Mary Travers Sings
A few days ago I wandered into the Internet searching for something I can’t remember and is anyway irrelevant since nameless subjects flowed into each other forming a serendipitous road that led to a 1963 photo of Mary Travers singing beside a video link to “If I Had a Hammer.” I’d heard the studio version…
Read MoreReversing Elin and Tiger Woods
Beautiful Elin Woods, the Athlete of the Decade and, perhaps more significantly, the most compelling entertainer on earth, remains in isolation and is quite depressed. One understands why. For thirteen years, until the early and dangerous hours after Thanksgiving Day, Elin had stridden the world’s golf courses as unrivalled queen, and her corporate dominance was…
Read MoreHow Tiger Woods Should Respond
Until recent revelations of my weakness for young white female flesh, and the overwhelming moral outrage that followed, I thought in a sexual sense I was a relatively normal guy, that is one ready to squeeze any appealing woman who beckoned. Now, sadly, after reading countless rabid condemnations in the press and blogosphere and cringing…
Read MoreFood Overdose
Friday morning after Thanksgiving Abernathy called from San Diego where he was unable to extricate himself from bed. “God,” I said, “you’ve haven’t fallen off the wagon again.” “I’m afraid I have.” “You must accept you’re an alcoholic and powerless under the influence of tequila.” “I’m not talking about alcohol; I’m talking food.” “Stay off…
Read MoreManagement Teams Clarifies Adventures of Tiger Woods
Bulletins from TigerWoods.com Saturday November 28, 11:30 a.m. It is untrue that Tiger Woods is having an affair with a striking New York City celebrity chaser, Rachel Uchitel, and therefore it is a lie that his wife Elin attacked him for so doing. About 2:25 a.m. Friday November 27, after failing to properly digest turkey…
Read MoreThe Story of Anvil
I hate this fucking drill so much I want to start smashing windows with it. I should be on stage, hammering drums and exciting fans and musicians who think I, Robb Reiner, was about the best heavy metal drummer on the planet. In 1984 Steve “Lips” Kudlow, our lead singer and my lifelong friend, and…
Read MorePsychiatrist Assesses Nidal Hasan
Prominent psychiatrist Dr. Joseph McClellan comments below about Dr. Nidal Hasan, the army psychiatrist who, during a rampage early Thursday afternoon November fifth, reloaded two automatic pistols to sustain fire on unarmed soldiers in a medical facility at Fort Hood, Texas, killing at least thirteen and wounding more than thirty. As I addressed the media…
Read MoreMichael Jackson This Is It
A movie of rehearsals in a big empty room can’t excite like concerts alive with screaming fans, but I still hope you enjoy This Is It because that’s what it is. My dancers show why when we first gather in March. Hundreds have come from all over the world to compete in rigorous auditions from…
Read MoreI’m not Hitler
Forgive anger for I have been abused. Though millions suffered more than I, we all ended alike, so I speak with humility and wouldn’t at all if not for most recent outrage which shall address in moment. First, I acknowledge years of good fortune. I was raised in affluent household of physician and charming and…
Read MoreFranklin Roosevelt’s Assessments on the 70th Anniversary of World War II
Too often, I think, my fellow Americans view World War II as having begun that frightful Sunday morning December seventh, 1941 when carrier-based Japanese warplanes, in an unprovoked and dastardly attack on the United States fleet in Pearl Harbor, killed two thousand four hundred people, destroyed or damaged fifteen warships, and demolished almost two hundred…
Read MoreLynette “Squeaky” Fromme Released from Prison
My father never touched me. Those who say he did are trying to make my allegiance to Charlie Manson seem like the illness of a victim. I was no more a victim than are all human prisoners of money and the work that poisons our air and water. My father, with his cruel words and…
Read MoreSqueaky Announces Major Plans
I had not planned on changing careers. I was delighted to be the cow-herding celebrity on a Texas ranch of former fireball pitcher Nolan Ryan, who threw a record seven no-hitters. I don’t much like baseball as it’s slow and boring but love football, a game in which my four hundred pounds of muscle would’ve…
Read MoreHistorian Offers to Write Screenplay about Hitler Here
How pleased I recently was to receive an email with the subject “Screenplay” and addressed to “Illustrious Sir”. The correspondent introduced himself with news he’d been reading my biographical novel Hitler Here and thought it was “great” and “what an ordeal (I) must have gone through to produce it.” Since the book took twenty years…
Read MoreMichael Jackson: 1958-2009
In the beginning the boy was wholesome and cute and sang like an angel and dazzled as a dancer. His early musical success transcended that of most adult stars, and as a young man he generated the light of a supernova. None of that, we must periodically remind ourselves, is helpful in shaping a tranquil…
Read MoreSpeeding on Interstate 5
For three days Robert chased fun in the Bay Area then realized he had nowhere to go but the home he’d been so anxious to leave. Driving back on blistered and dreary Interstate 5, he repeatedly inserted and ejected rock and classical CDs that no longer roused but irritated and urged him to conclude seventy…
Read MoreOwners Pressure Pig to Work
Down to my filthy abode in a Calabasas canyon my owners last week did come, giddily shoving in my snout some overwrought device that bore the startling image of a wild female hog. “Oscar,” they declared, “this should be you.” “Why so?” I asked. “Watch this clip.” “Turn that off and tell me why. You’re…
Read MorePreps Speed in Beautiful Fresno
Don’t roar by Fresno on Highway 99, especially if you’ve just come up from Bakersfield. Head east on Highway 180 through a growing city then turn north on 186 until you exit and move into leafy suburban Clovis highlighted with custom homes and spotless stores and offices. Then follow temporary signs where to park for…
Read MoreRichard Nixon Rebuts Frost/Nixon
Don’t for a second think I’m upset by this new Frost/Nixon movie. My enemies again tried to get Nixon and again they failed. Watch documentary films of my speeches and interviews and you’ll hear an unusually articulate politician. Actor Frank Langella portrayed me as a stiff-necked and tormented bumbler. If you know Nixon the leader,…
Read MoreThe Wal-Mart Experience
I’m not going to say my former south Bakersfield neighborhood, once a middle class haven, turned foul because it bordered a Wal-Mart store. In fairness to the elephantine retailer, the area swirled into a sewer because absentee landlords sucked the Section 8 tit and, in exchange for government housing subsidies, stuffed criminals and other loud…
Read MoreAn Indignant Pig
Seldom have I complained about my brethren being slaughtered, fried, roasted, and barbecued. Never did I protest when my owners hired a veterinarian – a butcher with a degree – to whack off my testicles and saw my tusks. Rarely have I whined about forever being banished to a dreary Calabasas canyon while, in the…
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