Archive for 2004
Letter to Division I Personages
This story is in the collection “Basketball and Football”
Read MoreFear Not, California – Bakersfield Shall Save You
Have you been to Bakersfield? Ask that of most people in California and they’ll say, “No, but I’ve been through it.” They just kept on rolling over parched Central Valley earth en route to Los Angeles or the Bay Area. Why didn’t they stop? Perhaps they were startled or saddened by the eternal glare from…
Read MoreLetter to President Bush: You Rose from the Canvas
Dear President Bush, It’s astonishing what preceded your comeback. First, you got your ears boxed the week before by a debating opponent who reduced you to a series of inane and lethargic utterances. Then you received another public report emphasizing your error in asserting that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. At the same time…
Read MoreTake Note, Security Moms: Kerry Manhandles Bush in First Debate
Many folks from all points on the political spectrum had begun conceding the election to our robust and resolute warrior-president. They had to. The polls were revealing the most horrifying perception of John Kerry. Married middle class white women, whose support he’d been counting on, had decided he couldn’t protect them as well as George…
Read MoreStereotypes Trounced at the Olympics and Elsewhere
If someone asked you if you occasionally think about others in stereotypical ways, you’d probably be insulted and deny ever having had even a moment of biased perception. And you’d be full of prune juice. We all, in boundless imperfection, are periodically burdened by our unfair assessments. However, if you still insist that your thinking…
Read MoreCool Cat Bush Improves Position
The polls say ninety percent of the people are already firm about who they’re going to vote for. And many of them made choices based not so much on the economy or the war in Iraq but on the far more mundane, and critical, determination of who’s the cutest and who’s the coolest. When the…
Read MoreSaddam Back on Stage as Insurgency Grows
The man’s a bona fide survivor, isn’t he? Hundreds of thousands of his victims inside and outside Iraq are dead. His sons are dead. Thousands of people mired in the mess he left have recently died. But Saddam Hussein lives on. He’s harder to kill than a cockroach in the deepest crevice, more difficult to…
Read MoreGaddafi’s Daughter Joins Saddam’s Exciting Legal Team
Google and Yahoo are search engines of astonishing reach and daily utility but I’m a little disappointed in them tonight: they were only able to provide one picture of Aisha Gaddafi, daughter of Muammar and newest member of the rapidly growing Saddam legal team that now numbers twenty-one professional and hundreds of volunteer lawyers. If…
Read MoreWhat Are the Iraqis and Saudis Going to Do?
We can long debate what the United States should do about the recent beheading of two of its citizens in Iraq and Saudi Arabia. Most will agree the murderers should be captured and punished. But how can that be done? Will a police-style manhunt, orchestrated by the military, be enough? Or, as many in the…
Read MorePistons Pound Lakers into New Era
Don’t dare claim you knew the Detroit Pistons were going to kick the stuffing out of the Los Angeles Lakers, not unless you’ve got it in writing and notarized by at least three solemn souls. You couldn’t have known a seven to one underdog was going to pound Hollywood’s favorite team, and pride of NBA…
Read MoreRonald Reagan, 1911-2004
Yesterday, for the first time, I missed the collection of about 300 old movies on Beta tapes I’d seen so often and given away three years earlier. I would like to have grabbed Santa Fe Trail and watched the dashing Ronald Reagan, then in his late twenties, play the supporting role of General George Custer. …
Read MoreSurgery on Iraq
Let’s cut the bullshit – the stuff that so often comes from the mouths of leaders everywhere – and deal with some facts: The Bush administration repeatedly lied about the capabilities and intentions of Iraq to do harm to the United States. The Bush administration was internationally condemned for even contemplating an attack on a…
Read MoreNoisy Neighbors
When United States invaded Panama years ago, General Manuel Noriega double-crossed soul and dashed into church aggressors disinclined to enter. They instead aimed speakers and fired at saber-wielding tough guy. He’d survived Panamanian politics, high-stakes drug deals, and treacherous operations in behalf of CIA but couldn’t withstand auditory and psychological force of musical bombardment and…
Read MoreArnold Acting on Budget
Doesn’t Arnold look good? No matter what the camera angle or lightning, day or night, inside or outside, that rascal is chiseled and tanned and verily glowing with handsomeness and charm. You know it. He’s got a hell of a smile, too, at once split-front toothy and warm and empathetic. It’s a smile full of…
Read MoreA Rose in the Hall of Fame
Quit posturing. Quit pontificating. Quit fornicating around, you self-righteous dunderheads. Put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame as soon as possible. Put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame today. Put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame retroactively and claim you had him there all along. Where else are you turkeys who run…
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