Ukraine

Putin’s Grand Strategy – 16

April 5, 2022

The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article. Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from…

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Heavy Load – 15

March 28, 2022

A phone rings on the desk in his Kremlin office and he answers and says, “Hello, sweetheart.” “Have you seen that interview?” she asks. “Which one?” “The one from Ukraine.” “You’re not supposed to watch foreign propaganda.” “You need to see it.” He exhales hard and asks, “Why?” “Because I can feel it’s true.” “I…

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Putin’s Grand Plan – 14

March 22, 2022

Backed by a huge wall map, Vladimir Putin stands before a few trusted generals and advisors, and states, “We must regard my following strategic statements as top secret and essential to our survival.” They look attentively at their leader. “Once we’ve captured all enemy territory on the Black Sea, we will subjugate Moldova and let…

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Rally in Moscow – 13

March 21, 2022

The factory director tells us we won’t be working any more today because we have a special surprise. We’re going to our beautiful national stadium to hear a speech by the great Vladimir Putin who’s been our powerful president since before I could walk. A few people say they don’t want to go and that’s…

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When Sergey Lavrov Awakens – 12

March 18, 2022

Vladimir, we’ve got to do something. That little bastard’s killing us. Maybe we’ll get him someday. I hope so. Meanwhile he’s arousing tears and standing ovations in legislative bodies and living rooms around the world. Did you see his speech to Congress? He says Russians are against human values and Ukrainian dreams, the same dreams…

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Tchaikovsky Protests – 10

March 14, 2022

Oh surely you realize that a man of my sensibilities and intimate tastes could never support a beast like Vladimir Putin and his henchmen, and I’m in accord with sanctions against oligarchical money as well as Russian gas and oil and even ethnic restaurants and bars in other lands. Starve the tyrant’s war machine and…

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Zelensky Duels Putin – 5

March 7, 2022

In a sealed room somewhere bombs can’t be heard, Vladimir Putin, standing by his chair, points to a table long as a bowling lane, and says, “Please sit down.” Volodymyr Zelensky stations himself at one end and Putin the other. “Welcome, President Zelensky. I trust you had a comfortable trip. As you know, I guaranteed…

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Winter War – 4

February 28, 2022

In memory of our Finnish soldiers’ brave and skillful resistance against Russian invaders in late 1939, I am delighted, as a current media member in our Defence Ministry, to post this notice on our official website: “On the proposal of the Government, the President of the Republic decided today that Finland will deliver two thousand…

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Putin Broods – 3

February 28, 2022

I can’t sleep. I’m surrounded by nuclear-armed terrorists trying to enlist even more enemies. Of course I’m tense. You would be too. And I’m sick of impudent aides telling me I look tired. They don’t look so good either. I really don’t think I look that bad. I still exercise and have fine medical care…

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Conference Call – 2

February 27, 2022

A deferential aide approaches Vladimir Putin and, after being summoned closer, bends to whisper in his ear. “Tell him I’m quite busy,” he says, but a few seconds later he stands. “Okay, I’ll take the call in private. Excuse me, gentlemen.” Putin walks to a nearby room, closes the double doors, and picks up the…

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Putin Invades Ukraine – 1

February 24, 2022

Yes, I am a patriot. I love my country, what remains of it after the tragic dissolution of the Soviet Union, and as the democratic president for life of Russia I’m obligated to preserve our Motherland and, frankly, liberate as much lost territory as possible. If I act with less foresight, hordes from the West…

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Putin Fights Fascists in Ukraine

August 31, 2014

It is my duty to speak and my nature to lead. Russians and all others respect the most fearsome martial artist who’s ever guided any nation and the special friend of a sensuous young woman. I bring strength, insight, and animal appeal into any environment I grace. Right now, more than ever, my stage is…

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Mayor Klitschko’s Successes

August 19, 2014

I didn’t worry about ragged furniture in my office at Kiev City Hall. The city looked much worse as unemployment rose, wages fell, our till stood empty, protestors lived in tents a hundred meters from my office, and Russian troops mobilized on our eastern border. The big bears intended to convince all Ukrainians, and especially…

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Putin Grieves for Odessa

May 6, 2014

Quit denouncing Russia and listen to those more knowledgeable who explain the corrupt regime in Ukraine criminally seized power. Understand that I will not much longer permit atrocities against my people. Accept that I have sufficient troops ready to protect the innocent. Admit you can’t stop me. Ask yourself why you would want to. Note…

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Putin Writes Kerry

April 10, 2014

To John Kerry Secretary of State Dear Secretary Kerry, Worry not about the Russian army I don’t want to unleash but beware of me if you keep accusing us of agitating in eastern Ukraine. I may ultimately treat you like a gangly puppet on a loose string. Keep your bad breath out of our faces.…

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Putin Warns the West

March 20, 2014

Don’t call me shorty or I’ll throw you over my hip. I’m a superpower leader ready to protect the Russian people who’ve so often been “not merely robbed but plundered” by such heathens as Napoleon, Hitler, Bush father and son, Clinton, and Obama, the latter four deluded Americans who claim God wants them to “determine…

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Nikita Khrushchev Explains

March 19, 2014

Don’t blame me Vladimir Putin’s grabbing the Crimea sixty years after I bestowed that lovely peninsula on Ukraine, the great Russian Breadbasket where I’d forged my political career and found a bride. Listen to my son, Sergei. He’s a wizard in computers and missiles and holds multiple advanced degrees and teaches at Brown University and…

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Crimean Anschluss

March 16, 2014

Be assured: if I, instead of slumbering Stalin, had been running Russia in 1941, the Germans wouldn’t have attacked and mauled us because I would’ve already smashed them. I understand what’s necessary. We must keep enemies away from our frontiers. The United States and its European mercenaries will not be allowed to surround us with…

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Vladimir Putin Attacks

March 11, 2014

The United States is shaking while all of Europe trembles. They know they can’t stop me. No one can. I’m master politician black belt in judo and consummate stud who took down sacrilegious female rockers Pussy Riot and sent them to jail same place many other critics spend years contemplating dangers of contradicting their leader…

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