Nuclear Weapons
Putin’s Grand Strategy – 16
The Americans are eternal enemies striving to surround my cold and tattered but still great Russian Empire. Their latest lies can be read in a thousand places. Here I will simply cite a few of the most outrageous accusations from a recent Associated Press article. Instead of thanking me for pulling my troops back from…
Read MoreHeavy Load – 15
A phone rings on the desk in his Kremlin office and he answers and says, “Hello, sweetheart.” “Have you seen that interview?” she asks. “Which one?” “The one from Ukraine.” “You’re not supposed to watch foreign propaganda.” “You need to see it.” He exhales hard and asks, “Why?” “Because I can feel it’s true.” “I…
Read MorePutin’s Grand Plan – 14
Backed by a huge wall map, Vladimir Putin stands before a few trusted generals and advisors, and states, “We must regard my following strategic statements as top secret and essential to our survival.” They look attentively at their leader. “Once we’ve captured all enemy territory on the Black Sea, we will subjugate Moldova and let…
Read MoreRally in Moscow – 13
The factory director tells us we won’t be working any more today because we have a special surprise. We’re going to our beautiful national stadium to hear a speech by the great Vladimir Putin who’s been our powerful president since before I could walk. A few people say they don’t want to go and that’s…
Read MoreWhen Sergey Lavrov Awakens – 12
Vladimir, we’ve got to do something. That little bastard’s killing us. Maybe we’ll get him someday. I hope so. Meanwhile he’s arousing tears and standing ovations in legislative bodies and living rooms around the world. Did you see his speech to Congress? He says Russians are against human values and Ukrainian dreams, the same dreams…
Read MorePutin’s Terms – 11
Don’t swallow the lie that I wanted all of Ukraine and am only limiting my goals since the enemy’s proving tougher and more skillful than expected and our troops are fighting with less skill and élan than I demanded and international sanctions continue to bleed our economy and force us to default on foreign debt…
Read MoreTchaikovsky Protests – 10
Oh surely you realize that a man of my sensibilities and intimate tastes could never support a beast like Vladimir Putin and his henchmen, and I’m in accord with sanctions against oligarchical money as well as Russian gas and oil and even ethnic restaurants and bars in other lands. Starve the tyrant’s war machine and…
Read MoreKlitschko to Russia – 9
(Mayor of Kyiv Vitali Klitschko addressed the Russian people in a YouTube video posted on March 11, 2022. Highlights and minor additions follow below.) I’ll tell you in Russian that your unprovoked attack on my country is barbarism based on absolute propaganda and nonsense. You’re arrogant to tell us we’re not a nation and spread…
Read MoreWhat Does the Media Really Want in Ukraine? – 7
Unless you’re spending hours a day scouring the internet in search of critical news from Ukraine, you probably missed President Volodymyr Zelensky’s essential compromise that his nation is now willing to forgo membership in NATO. That should have been the lead story on all platforms around the world. Instead, we heard Zelensky evoke Churchill by…
Read MoreGoing Home – 6
I wasn’t planning to join the army but don’t sweat it when they draft me since I’m an unemployed nineteen year old guy looking for something in life. During basic training the drill instructors scream all the time and make us do a lot of extra marches and exercises but when that ends they tell…
Read MoreZelensky Duels Putin – 5
In a sealed room somewhere bombs can’t be heard, Vladimir Putin, standing by his chair, points to a table long as a bowling lane, and says, “Please sit down.” Volodymyr Zelensky stations himself at one end and Putin the other. “Welcome, President Zelensky. I trust you had a comfortable trip. As you know, I guaranteed…
Read MorePutin Broods – 3
I can’t sleep. I’m surrounded by nuclear-armed terrorists trying to enlist even more enemies. Of course I’m tense. You would be too. And I’m sick of impudent aides telling me I look tired. They don’t look so good either. I really don’t think I look that bad. I still exercise and have fine medical care…
Read MoreConference Call – 2
A deferential aide approaches Vladimir Putin and, after being summoned closer, bends to whisper in his ear. “Tell him I’m quite busy,” he says, but a few seconds later he stands. “Okay, I’ll take the call in private. Excuse me, gentlemen.” Putin walks to a nearby room, closes the double doors, and picks up the…
Read MorePutin Invades Ukraine – 1
Yes, I am a patriot. I love my country, what remains of it after the tragic dissolution of the Soviet Union, and as the democratic president for life of Russia I’m obligated to preserve our Motherland and, frankly, liberate as much lost territory as possible. If I act with less foresight, hordes from the West…
Read MoreHydrogen Man
I’m not short and pudgy. I’m taller and firmer than you think and in fact I’m a stud who watches professional basketball and lives like a god and beds any woman I want and the other night my current favorite swooned as I told her, “This morning I exploded a hydrogen bomb.” “Oh, Dear Leader.”…
Read MoreFidel Castro v. Che Guevara
I didn’t force Che Guevara to leave Cuba. That’s yanqui propaganda designed to impugn my loyalty and judgment and decency. I’ve loved Che since meeting him in Mexico City before the Revolución and admired him more than anyone because more than anyone I’d benefitted from his extraordinary talents. He accompanied Raul and me and eighty-two…
Read MoreNikita Khrushchev Explains
Don’t blame me Vladimir Putin’s grabbing the Crimea sixty years after I bestowed that lovely peninsula on Ukraine, the great Russian Breadbasket where I’d forged my political career and found a bride. Listen to my son, Sergei. He’s a wizard in computers and missiles and holds multiple advanced degrees and teaches at Brown University and…
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