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Pacquiao’s Super SurgeryFacebooktwitterlinkedinmail

Frankly, I’ve been besieged by Manny Pacquiao’s managers, trainers, and relatives who for personal and financial reasons want me to not only repair his injured shoulder but make it manifestly better. I told them Dr. Elpedio Marcos does not deal with intermediaries; have Manny call me. Last night, he did.

“What’s the best you can do, Dr. Marcos?”

“That, Manny, depends on your wallet.”

“I have a good one.”

“What sort of result would you like?”

“I’d like to return to the ring stronger than a lion.”

“Turning you into a literal beast is beyond even my artistry. But I can make your right shoulder and arm the best in the history of boxing.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“How much?

“Fifty million.”

“Philippines pesos?”

“That would scarcely top one million. Dollars, Manny.”

“I could go to another surgeon.”

“Yes, but you wouldn’t get the astounding result I offer.”

“Please be more specific.”

“I can give you the right arm of George Foreman.”

“I’d love to have it. But how will you get George to give his up?”

“I doubt he would, and we don’t want his current arm anyway. It’s sixty-six years old. I’ll order my top assistant to attend George’s sermon this evening and afterward, while shaking his hand, she’ll scrape some genetic matter from his enormous right hand.”

“You mean I’ll get George’s right hand, too.”

“Indeed.”

“What if he figures out what’s going on?”

“He won’t. At least I don’t think he will. This scrape is generally painless. If not, my assistant, who’s only thirty-five, can easily outrun Big George.”

“Then what?”

“It’s quite direct. Using nuclear centrifuges I’ll calibrate the genes of George’s right arm to be twenty-four-years old, and multiply them a billion-fold. Then I’ll daily inject them into your right shoulder, bicep, forearm, and hand.”

“How long will this take?”

“About like your projected and quite primitive rotator cuff surgery – nine to twelve months.”

“Fantastic, after I knock out Floyd Mayweather, in or out of the ring, I’ll become heavyweight champion of the world.”

“Slow down, Manny. You must remember some things. First, you’re going to look rather strange walking around with the long, heavily-muscled arm of an African American. People are going to stare. They’re going to make comments. Can you deal with that?”

“Yes, but why not get me both of George’s arms.”

“I’m afraid our technology at this point can’t prevent the body from rejecting a second enhanced limb. You also need to keep in mind, even with George’s mighty right, you won’t be a heavyweight. I doubt this upgrade will move you beyond the middleweight division. But you should batter opponents and send them flying like Joe Frazier.”

“I think I’ll change my stance so I can swing my right like George used his.”

“You better stay in your southpaw stance, and use the big right to jab and hook.”

“I’ll be unbeatable.”

“You may go unbeaten but you won’t be unbeatable. I can’t give you a new head and torso. Except for the right arm, you’re an undersized welterweight who’ll have to take some middleweight bombs. Remember what Juan Manuel Marquez did. You think you’ll hold up when Gennady Golovkin starts nailing your chin?”

“I can take some of his shots.”

“You can’t take many. You’ll have to knock guys out fast.”

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This entry was posted in Boxing, DNA, Floyd Mayweather, Genetics, Gennady Golovkin, George Foreman, Juan Manuel Marquez, Manny Pacquiao, Philippines.