To John Kerry
Secretary of State
Dear Secretary Kerry,
Worry not about the Russian army I don’t want to unleash but beware of me if you keep accusing us of agitating in eastern Ukraine. I may ultimately treat you like a gangly puppet on a loose string. Keep your bad breath out of our faces. My neighbors are exercising their right of self-determination when they occupy hated governmental buildings. They’re demanding freedom when they seize sixty hostages in the security headquarters of Lugansk. They’re telling oppressors to let go.
You and your Ukrainian lackeys call these heroic acts terrorism. Hypocrites. Our Patrick Henrys are liberators. The Ukrainian army better not attack them under pretext of freeing hostages. I’d have to protect Russian patriots. Listen to what people are shouting. Karkov is a Russian city. Lugansk is a Russian city. Donetsk is a Russian city. We cannot ignore these dynamics much longer.