Don Imus – Hi, I’m Don, and I’m a racist and a disgraceful human being. At least I’m a very thankful racist since I know any time I can walk into any room and find a group of people just like me, people who have a problem we can’t control. Control is a cruel illusion. We were all born with a chemical imbalance. One bad joke is too many and a thousand are never enough. That’s our burden but it’s no excuse. I’m here today to ask for your forgiveness. I’m a good and decent man who helps thousands of kids battle cancer, so I know I shouldn’t have called players from the Rutgers University women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.”
I understand now that I’ve hurt them, and that’s not okay. I’m hurting, too, and frankly that’s worse. It hurts that I’m losing prestige and that I may lose my job. Most of all, it hurts that so many sponsors who for years laughed at similar jokes are now pretending to be indignant. They’re obviously not offended by my humor; they’re worried their bottom line might erode. If that danger weren’t there, I wouldn’t be at this court-ordered meeting.
Al Sharpton – Hi, I’m Al, and I’m a racist and a hypocrite. Every time a white puts a dirty foot in his bigoted mouth, I jump in waving my arms and hollering about racism and injustice. I know I remind whites of a carnival barker, and in particular I know Jews feel that way. It must’ve been a Jewish-owned media conglomerate that recently played a 2004 tape of me ranting about vote totals against me being “Jewed” up during the South Carolina Democratic presidential primary. I hope you haven’t forgotten I ran for president.
When a man first gets sustained nationwide publicity by trying to frame whites for a phantom rape of Tawana Brawley, he knows he’s got his meal ticket – racism. I love it. Without it, I really would be a carnival barker.
Jesse Jackson – Hi, I’m Jesse, and I’m a racist and a pain in the ass. Originally, I really did combat those who were enemies of civil liberties but now I’m so addicted to racism I’ll start chanting whenever I see a crowd. The white man is going to get you, that’s my theme. He got us before. He’ll get us again. Any problem you have, brothers and sisters, blame it on him. And, like Brother Al, I’m particularly biased against an insidious group that sometimes compels me to refer to New York as “Hymie-Town.”
Remember when I said that back in the 1980’s when I was running for president? What would happen to a white presidential candidate who made a comparable comment about blacks? You know he’d be out. And Al and I would be leading the mob. We can’t help it. We’re racists, like Don Imus and everyone else.