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Victims of “Borat” Strike Back

Borat, the now infamous pseudo-journalist from Kazakhstan, beguiled many kind and trusting Americans into exposing themselves for his obscene documentary.  His victims have since been humiliated, scorned, beaten, sued and worse, and, as they align themselves for a landmark lawsuit, here for the first time they strike back at the man who so degraded them.

Frank LaGuardia – People ripped me for telling Borat to mind his own fucking business when he asked my name.  That’s where they cut the film.  They should’ve continued.  The weirdo jumped across the subway and grabbed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth, and I would’ve bitten it off but his security guards ran in and zapped me with a taser gun.

Prudence Johansson – I have been a proud and passionate feminist since pre-puberty and was disgusted by Borat’s interview, with two colleagues and me, during which he stated women couldn’t be as smart as men since women had smaller brains.  I wasn’t listening to that old garbage.  We walked out, and I assumed such a short and imbecilic encounter would die in appropriate obscurity.  Now I’m on movie screens all over the nation and the world, and in the streets heathens rumble up laughing I really do look like the “old man” Borat called me.

Carol Guggenheim – My husband, Arnold, and I welcomed Borat and his corpulent friend into our home.  He seemed rather dismissive of our “Jewish” artwork, all of which I painted, until I privately assured him it is certainly of museum caliber and often sold in galleries as well as through references from my international group of collectors.  He began asking how much this painting and that one were worth, and cooed when I told him and didn’t shut up until I virtually shoved a sandwich into his mouth.  He spit it out when he thought Arnold and I weren’t looking.  We should have kept the strange fellow under surveillance.  That night, no doubt with the glee of an anoerexic Hermann Goering, Borat plucked about half my artworks from the walls, and as I search I often find them on e-Bay, which tries to make me bid on my own work and which I shall also assuredly sue.

Mary Anne Vanderbilt – My husband, who is retired and not retarded, and I enthusiastically called two couples who are our four best friends when we learned about the opportunity to host visiting journalist Borat and teach him the American way.  We tried but in so doing suffered since the man had no experience in genteel defecation and brought his bathroom stool to the dinner table before trying to convince me to wipe his bottom.  Though aghast, we tolerated that affront and even his insulting remark one of my friends wasn’t as sexy as my other friend and I.  That’s rather obvious but should not have been stated.  And we told Borat so.  Then his friend the black prostitute pounded our door and bounded in.  We ordered them to leave but Borat laid her out lengthwise on the dining room table and was trying to proceed as police charged in and arrested both.

Robert E. Jackson – In my thirty-nine years in the antique business I’ve never seen such a rude and clumsy customer as Borat.  For the camera he denounced our Confederate flags and memorabilia, and the great culture they represent, then repeatedly slipped on and flailed my dish displays, destroying more than four hundred dollars worth of fine antiques.  I told him his two hundred bucks weren’t enough but to just go, go away.  When the camera was turned off, Borat handed me a thousand in cash he’d received from a cousin he said owns an art gallery, and told me he agreed slavery should be resumed in the United States and England as well.

Azamot Bagatov – As the producer of Borat’s documentary, I’d never planned nor wanted to leave New York City.  Borat insisted.  He was obsessed with Pamela Anderson, and his cross-country hunt for her inconvenienced and endangered me many times.  I was nervous with a stomachache so bad I couldn’t sleep, and trying to relax, looking at silly magazine pictures of Pamela when I let my hand slide between my legs, and a berserk Borat attacked me.  I’m a fat and older man and didn’t want to wrestle but had to and grappled well, finally using my huge bare fanny to smother his hateful face and almost winning.  If I could’ve finished him, I’d have gone after Pamela.  I doubt she’d go for a guy whose gut sags over his genitals, but one can hope.

Jeb Jackson – My buddies and I were cruising and drinking when we picked up Borat on the freeway and treated him like a fraternity brother, giving him all the hooch he wanted and encouraging him to be a man and not let Pamela Anderson or any woman smash his balls.  We were just kidding about women being bitches and the country needing slavery again.  That was booze and testosterone talking, and quite possibly it was more.  My buds and I think Borat dropped some drugs into our drinks.  We were hallucinating after he left.  I wish we’d called the cops and got toxicology tested.  But you know who they’d have busted.  I’m going after Borat in Hollywood or wherever.

Lee Roy Sumter – The lord loves us because members of our Pentecostal congregation help people no matter how pathetic they are.  We’d never seen anyone worse off than Borat.  He stumbled into our Sunday service bearing thick Cossack whiskers, a filthy gray suit and sorry story he had no money or friends in the world.  We told him who would help him.  Jesus would.  He possessed Borat and let him talk in tongues just like we do, and afterward Borat said Jesus had saved him on the spot.  Now he could go on in the world.  He just needed ten grand he’d promptly return after getting a job in California.  We’re still waiting for payment and looking for a forwarding address.

Pamela Anderson – Borat promised me I’d be in a movie and I was really excited since I haven’t had much screen time since my dramatic days as the bikini star of Baywatch.  But he deceived me by not mentioning he’d be referring to my intimate home video with a former husband.  At a special private screening of “Borat” in a producer’s mansion, in front of lots of friends, my latest husband, Kid Rock, screamed I was a whore who’d degraded him, and he left me.  Borat should at least be sorry and apologize.  Instead, he stalks and begs me to come to Kazakhstan.

The American Prostitute – Borat vowed to get me off the streets and give me respect and a decent life.  As an African American I was a little concerned about the culture shock of moving to Kazakhstan but went anyway to be with the man I loved.  Borat soon began coming home late very tired and haggard.  One day I looked all over the village and finally heard his moan and ran in and caught him with a blond prostitute, the fourth best in the country, and next morning everyone was lined up gossiping as I walked away from a terrible place.

This entry was posted in Borat, Movies, Sacha Baron Cohen.