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President Ahmadinejad Praises “Borat”

In a letter to President Bush last spring I demonstrated profound understanding of United States foreign policy, and outlined many diplomatic steps that unrighteous nation must take to correct its barbaric behavior.  Nevertheless, I did not, as I should have, offer substantive commentary on American society and psychology.  I simply didn’t know much about them.  That’s a dangerous shortcoming for the new King of the Middle East, and I resolved to overcome it, daily devouring the Koran as well as mounds of written matter most Iranians would be arrested for possessing.  I also prayed many times a day and stared at the stars and shouted at the heavens.  Insight still was denied, and perplexed I remained until the seminal moment a staff member guaranteed I’d experience everything essential if I watched the recently-released movie “Borat.”

What painful revelations are in this movie, which I knew I could trust since at the beginning it proudly presents our brothers in half-Muslim Kazakhstan during the annual Running of the Jew pogrom.  Once the offensive Hebrew is surrounded, she lays her egg, and children pounce on it before it can hatch more problems into our region.  Borat, that nation’s finest television journalist, is there.  And he’s going to America to find out more.

Right away, in New York, heart of the imperial beast, Borat is berated on the subway by uncouth Americans who do not understand his friendly desire to kiss their cheeks and exchange names.  I am being too generous.  New Yorkers not only rebuff Borat, they curse and threaten him.  They should have embraced him.  He could have saved them.  He knows Jews were behind the 9/11 attack on New York City and Washington, D.C., and that he better avoid airplanes and instead drive across the terrifying American heartland.

Borat’s route is soon bisected by a Gay Parade whose perverse marchers fondle him between the legs.  On the opposite American ideological precipice, the organizer of a rodeo tells him to shave his mustache so he doesn’t look like a Muslim terrorist.  Borat tests the redneck crowd by stating he supports the war in Iraq and wants the boys to kill every terrorist and for Bush to drink the blood of everyone in Iraq.  Their cheers betray lust for the destruction of Islam.  I will confess, however, that I cannot fault the rodeo organizer for advocating hanging homosexuals since in Iran we can hang anyone, especially unmarried women who spread their legs.

Borat is a very brave man: he and his obese producer stay in the house of Hebrews, who pretend to offer them sustenance.  Borat knows better and spits out the food, which doubtless contains poison.  Later that night, at three a.m., the Jews transmogrify into bugs, crawl under the visitors’ bedroom door, and prepare to attack.  Borat and his friend, praise Allah, are awake and aware, and throw dollars at the insects before dashing down the stairs.

Oh, how racist are the Americans.  In a Southern mansion his hosts evict him because he invites a black prostitute to the dinner party.  In an antique store there are many images of Confederate flags, which symbolize and celebrate slavery.  Those flags should be outlawed.  There indisputably was slavery.  But the existence of the Holocaust is still in doubt, according to yours truly, the eminent World War Two historian.

Not even Borat can remain righteous in decadent America.  He’s obsessed by the sexual allure of a silicone-busted-bleached-blond-TV-star.  There must be laws to protect men from women like her as well as to insulate other women from such influence.  That’s why in Iran we would likely hang Pamela Anderson.  Woman like her always cause great distress.  In their hotel room, Borat catches his once-trustworthy friend masturbating while he ogles magazine pictures of wicked Pamela.  The two temporarily-deranged men engage in a horrific wrestling match during which Borat has the fat fellow’s gargantuan ass planted squarely across his face.  All this because of an immoral woman.

America may be three thousand parched miles from sea to sea, but the horrors never fundamentally change, as a desperate Borat learns after his former friend absconds with his money, passport, and their bodyguard bear.  Hitchhiking Borat is picked up by drunken college students in a camper.  They brag about fucking bitches then disrespecting them for not being decent females.  They encourage Borat to drink like them.  In that uncivilized environment, he’s unable to resist.  He drinks and listens to them declare there should still be slaves.  At least the drunken louts denounce the Jews.  That still doesn’t compensate for their showing lovelorn Borat a video of Pamela Anderson engaging in unbridled sex.

Borat is now so bereaved he asks to be let out into darkness along the perilous American highway.  He sleeps outside that night, and the next morning, dirty and unshaven, he desperately enters a Pentecostal church.  What a nation of religious fanatics are the Americans.  They’re talking in tongues and convincing Borat that Jesus, praise be upon him, can help him.  Under the influence of these zealots, Borat rants and writhes and nearly faints during a disgusting process that does not work.  He still decides to pursue Pamela, aided by Jesus, praise be upon him.

Degradation is inevitable everywhere in America, particularly California where temptations are overwhelming: Borat learns Pamela Anderson will be appearing at an obscene publicity event in a town with the strange name of Orange.  When Pamela walks into the store, many libidinous men leer like Borat.  I do not fault any of them personally.  The fault is that of a vile nation permitting women to be free.  Men cannot deal with that and neither can women.  That is why in a Muslim nation Borat would never propose in public – and be humiliated by the rebuff – before putting a cloth sack over the head of the tramp who, quite unjustifiably, is rescued by security guards.

Finally, that is enough for Borat.  He returns to Kazakhstan.  On the way home he did stop and pick up the black prostitute to be his wife.  That is tragic.  In Iran, we also have this problem.  More and more women are forsaking Islam and becoming whores.  This is primarily the work of Americans and Jews.  We’re trying to fix things and think nuclear power is the answer.

This entry was posted in Borat, Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Movies, Sacha Baron Cohen.