I ask you to be nuanced and refrain from mistakenly lumping me with herd of Wahhabi Muslim clerics who crave keeping women masked and Saudi Arabia manacled in Middle Ages. Though aged and inbred, I, King Abdullah, have transcended some of most repressive tendencies of country, region, and religion, and have as well rather nervously noted abrupt expulsion of President Ben Ali from Tunisia, infirmed President Mubarak wheezing on stretcher inside glass cage of Egyptian justice, and bombs detonating where Libyan rebels and NATO believed Colonel Gaddafi was hiding. After rebels attacked and severely wounded President Saleh of Yemen, I welcomed him to Saudi Arabia to convalesce but would offer no such refuge to violent President Assad of Syria and have recalled ambassador from Damascus. Uncertainties abound but I assure there won’t be more trouble in Bahrain since Peninsula Shield, coalition of twelve hundred troops from Arab Gulf nations, marched in.
I envision great prosperity and peace and freedom for proud people of Saudi Arabia and, along with large royal family – I’m one of thirty-seven sons of first king – have offered most generous gifts and concessions. For years we’ve been sending thousands of brightest young people to study abroad and, indeed, now have more scholars in United States than before 9/11. And please note we’ve made woman deputy education minister overseeing new department for female students. We’re supremely committed to higher learning and shall spend quarter of annual budget on education. We shall also improve judiciary and business practices and spend billions to help jobless and billions more for housing subsidies. We’re responding to needs of people, and would’ve done so even without ominous Arab Spring.
We love freedom and proudly announce in 2015 women will, for first time, be permitted to vote in local elections and run for office. We aren’t ready to let them vote in upcoming elections but they don’t mind since ecstatic will soon be relevant. And by then, with divine assistance, they may even drive to polls.
In order to maintain petroleum paradise it’s essential noble House of Fahd survive. We know United States agrees. That was my hand President George W. Bush held when I visited in 2005, and he owed since I’d kissed ass after he ignored advice not to attack Iraq in 2003. We naturally also adore President Barack Obama and have given wife beautiful jewelry. She can’t keep gems but will always have memories. Americans and Saudis have same interests. We’ve got to eradicate terrorism. I’m appalled fifteen of nineteen 9/11 hijackers were Saudis but all are dead. And so are many others we’ve tortured and publicly beheaded. We believe in security and justice.
And like Americans we’re terrified Iranians might acquire nuclear weapons. We can’t permit that so have urged United States to strike Iran and kill snake. We’ll never be safe long as it’s coiled. We’d like to help fight Iranians. We and Americans were blood brothers during Operation Desert Storm in 1991. Maybe we will be again, this time in Iran. I’m afraid, however, we won’t be able to help much since must maintain large national guard to protect royal family and ensure army doesn’t misbehave like others we’ve seen.