I know many of you believe I failed as Governor of California and am now indisputably a cur since I fathered a child, now age thirteen, with a member of my domestic household staff. You sympathize with my wife, Maria Shriver, because she long endured my infidelities and didn’t learn of this one until recently, when she confronted the other mother and then me before she took our four children and moved out of my Brentwood mansion. You say I’m finished as an actor and don’t bother mentioning what you consider embarrassingly obvious, that I can’t possibly proceed as a politician. I must tell you that you’re wrong.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is never finished in any quest for the top. Have you forgotten I emerged from the Austrian backwoods to outwork all my competitors and become the greatest bodybuilder ever? Are you dismissing that I, at the same time, took voice and acting and even ballet lessons so I could overcome my brutish accent and hayseed tendencies to become the top movie star in the world? Are you overlooking that I also simultaneously built financial empires in real estate and bodybuilding and fitness? I know you’re ignoring my progressive environmental legislation while I governed California. And you’re blaming me for a financial crisis that would’ve erupted without me. Two such different men as George W. Bush and Barack Obama are also being tarred as financial nincompoops. They lack my business experience and acumen, so you must not forget that my seven years as governor will soon be understood as a time of great achievement.
I will share with you my blueprint for scaling the ultimate mountain. I’m always prepared to improvise as I did in 2002 when, after numerous women from decades past abruptly accused me of grabbing their breasts and asses, I simply decided not to run for governor at that time. Believe me, a star has lots of problems with women because most of them want his special attention, and I had no way of knowing who really didn’t want it. You understood this in 2003 as I swept away dreary Gray Davis in the gubernatorial recall election. You will understand it again. Bill Clinton was no less lascivious than I, yet he became president and is still a celebrated figure. I’m not too worried about any of this.
Regarding the future First Lady, I believe Maria will return to me, but if she doesn’t I’ll get a younger and hotter babe, who’s also an ace campaigner, to help me run in 2016. I’m shrewdly staying clear of the financial tsunami that’s certain to destroy all those associated with politics in 2012. I will instead be making wonderful action movies and catapulting back to the pinnacle of popularity. As this unfolds people will demand the most American of Constitutional amendments, the one that allows foreign-born citizens of at least twenty-years standing to serve as President of the United States. This must happen. I know I can convince two-thirds of Congress and three quarters of the state legislatures. We’re a nation of immigrants. And natural born or not, all Americans will need resounding change in 2016, no matter who’s been standing at ground zero the preceding four years.