Sacramento, CA – Officials at scenic Ancil Hoffman Golf Course, which stretches along the American River east of town, issued an emergency decree this morning after police informed them that a (publicly-unnamed) suburban high school, notorious for its rowdy alumni, plans next week to attack the links with ten foursomes celebrating forty years of parole from academia. Police stressed that most of the male alumni are lumberjacks, ironworkers, bouncers, boxers, bond traders, and other assorted toughs. Ancil Hoffman officials have vowed to quadruple normal security and to post and enforce the following rules:
Attention 1970 High School Reunion Golfers
$100,000 Fine per Infraction
1. No more than one beer per hole.
2. No more than two Mulligans per hole.
3. Do not intentionally hit balls at passing cars.
4. Do not strike the balls of fellow golfers.
5. Do not moon fellow golfers.
6. No vile language.
7. No wagers larger than your net worth.
8. Stay out of the women’s locker room.
9. If you fraternize with female golfers, do so in the trees.
10. Behave like Tiger at all times.