More authoritative than ever, President Trump dons the sleek black eye mask of The Lone Ranger and steps behind microphones to announce wearing masks is a good idea after all since the China Virus is going to get worse before it gets better.
“Mr. President,” says a reporter masked over nose and mouth, “you’re not stopping the spread of the virus like that.”
“You must be an agent of Dr. Anthony Fauci, who, you’ll notice, didn’t make the cut for this press conference, and neither did any other so-called medical experts. I’m up here alone, fighting the virus as well as the thugs who’re trying to destroy our country.”
Kayleigh McEnany, whose babe-factor and Harvard Law Degree motivated Trump to name her White House press secretary, rushes to the podium and hands her boss an appropriate black mask he at once puts on.
“Now, this is what a real commander in chief looks like,” says Trump, huffing through his mask.
“Mr. President,” says a masked female reporter, “people around this nation are worried their civil liberties are imperiled by you and the faceless, camouflaged storm troops you’re sending into various American cities. Innocent people are being grabbed on the streets and hauled away without explanation.”
“How do you know they were innocent? Our nation is in chaos. Last weekend sixty-three people were shot in Chicago. Several died. Fourteen people were shot outside a funeral home. And the mourners returned fire. That’s crazy. A lot of our cities are far worse than Afghanistan.”
“Mr. President,” shouts a female reporter, “the people of Portland, my hometown, are outraged by the fascist behavior of your storm troops.”
“It’s outrageous criminals in the South are attacking our cultural heritage, pulling down statues of great patriots Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis, but it’s even worse that thugs in Portland are jerking down statues of Washington and Jefferson.”
“They did own slaves, Mr. President,” a male voice announces.
“We can’t judge our heroes of more than two hundred years ago by the standards of today,” Trump says. “They’re still the greatest Americans ever, along with Abraham Lincoln and myself. I’m also ready to make the toughest decisions and am preparing plans to send help to New York, Philadelphia, Detroit, Baltimore, Oakland, and, of course, the Obama-stronghold of Chicago. Notice all these liberal cities are run by Democrats. And if Joe Biden gets in, the whole country will go to hell.”
“Will you respect the election results in November?” asks a female reporter.
“Let’s wait and see. I can’t say yes when I know the Democrats are trying to register millions of fake voters, like they did in 2016. No way I’m telling you today I’ll accept some farce. I’ll let you know.”
“Joe Biden promises the police and military will be ready to remove you from the White House if you lose the election and refuse to leave,” says a male reporter.
“Biden’s brain is dead and it doesn’t matter what he claims. The generals love me and will do what I say.”