Hey, remember me? I’m the guy who won a bunch of Democratic primaries and earned the opportunity to run against Donald Trump. I ought to be the most visible person in the country, jetting around and bashing the worst president in our history. Instead, like you, I’m stuck at home, hiding from this damn coronavirus. I’ve been plenty busy, though. I’ve got a crackerjack media room set up in my basement, and sometimes my wife joins me when I’m doing interviews and making videos. That’s helpful because she’s a doctor of education, you know.
On the whole, though, the basement isn’t an exciting place, and it sickens me that Trump gets all that free air time during daily briefings – bullshit sessions – about the coronavirus. We need a president who can tell the truth. We had one in Barack Obama, and he’s finally stepped behind me a hundred percent along with those formidable politicians I dusted in the primaries, people like Bernie Sanders and Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar and plenty of others, most of whom would love to be my vice presidential running mate.
Under the circumstances, I’m operating well and cranking out two or three emails a day. In one of my favorites I assure people I stand for “empathy, kindness, compassion, generosity, equal rights for all,” and lots of other good stuff. And my message is resonating. We’re bringing in a fair amount of money, seventy percent from online donations. Donald Trump will be difficult to beat but recent polls show me leading him in battleground states Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Florida, and only trailing by a point in North Carolina.
I was an obscure frontrunner until the media rediscovered me for the most outrageous reason: a former staffer of mine, Tara Reade, who I swear liked me, has accused me of grabbing her in 1993, forcing her against a wall, and jamming my fingers inside her. That’s a lie. Why did she wait twenty-seven years before saying anything publicly? I was a prominent senator. Then for eight years I was vice president of the United States. Her timing’s damn strange. And now she’s reminding everyone that a lot of women have complained about my affectionate behavior. Okay, I’ve sometimes caressed or kissed or hugged or sniffed women in ways that made them uncomfortable. But I did all this in public, and I’m real sorry some took it the wrong way. I’m just a friendly guy. I wasn’t trying to hide anything. Now, on the other hand, you look at the twenty or more women who’ve complained about Donald Trump and there are some real problems.