I’d like to thank the greatest man on earth, President Donald Trump, for putting me in charge of the battle against the coronavirus. He picked the right guy. Before becoming vice president, as governor of Indiana, I stamped out an HIV epidemic by authorizing needle exchanges in Scott County. I hadn’t wanted to permit that immoral act but the virus was spreading and I prayed my way to the right response and kept the number of cases under two hundred.
Now I’m praying warm weather from heaven will strike down the coronavirus. And I’m helping President Trump marshal our vast medical and logistical resources in case God wants to test our ability to stop a virus that in other countries has infected eighty-three thousand people, killed almost three thousand, and at home this week knocked twelve percent off the stock market and burned six trillion dollars of wealth.
Now an American in the United States has died, and, as I stand by President Trump at a hastily-called press conference, he’s right to say “this is very serious stuff” but that it’s a “hoax” the way the media’s criticizing how we’re adeptly handling this crisis.