I’m richer, smarter, and tougher than these low-level Democrats and have spent four hundred million dollars to advertise my success while giving speeches and practicing for my first debate I know I’ll win right here on this stage in Las Vegas.
“I’d like to talk about who we’re running against: a billionaire who calls women ‘fat broads’ and ‘horse-faced lesbians,’” says Elizabeth Warren. ‘I’m not talking about Donald Trump. I’m referring to Mayor Bloomberg.’”
Like a New York street fighter who worked hard for sixty billion bucks and won three mayoralty races, I counter, “Elizabeth, you’re not fat or exactly horse-faced, but let’s be honest, you’re a dork.”
“That’s the kind of humiliating comment that forced many of your female employees to file sexual harassment suits against you.”
“I didn’t harass anyone,” I explain. “I was just joking. They didn’t understand humor so I apologized.”
“Just how many of those lawsuits were there, Mayor Bloomberg?” she asks.
“I don’t know. A lot fewer than Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein. We’re probably talking something in the Donald Trump range.”
Jabbing her finger at me in a way that would’ve gotten her fired, Warren says, “Let’s see what these women really experienced. Release them from the non-disclosure agreements that wealthy jackasses like you and Trump so often use.”
“They wanted to move on. I suggest you do the same.”
Waving his hand like a drunkard, Bernie Sanders says, “Your stop-and-frisk policing policies targeted blacks and Latinos and allowed the police to throw five million innocent citizens against the wall.”
“Don’t play dumb, Bernie, though the role is quite natural for you,” I say. “You’re a native New Yorker, albeit a deserter to Vermont, and know what I was battling – several hundred murders in our city every year. Damn right I targeted those who commit the crimes. The murder rate declined when I was in charge. But I did apologize for some of the excesses. Why don’t you talk about the real victims?”
Joe Biden, the ultimate goofball, looks stern as he says, “It’s doesn’t matter whether or not you apologized. Your policy was abhorrent and violated every right people have.”
“All of you are letting the Republicans be the party of law and order and prosperity. Bernie and Elizabeth are Communists. But Bernie’s a millionaire leftist with three homes.”
“Just a minute, Mayor Bloomberg, I only have my modest home in Vermont, a place in Washington D.C. where I work, and essentially a pup tent in the backwoods of Vermont. Senator Warren has far more money than I.”
“We’re not Communists, Mayor Bloomberg,” says Pete Buttigieg. “We’re Democrats and you’re not. You’re a Wall Street crony who also backed the 2003 invasion of Iraq and is still proud of that position.”
Frumpy Elizabeth Warren won’t shut up, preaching, “Democrats can’t win if we nominate a man with a history of evading his taxes, harassing women, and leading racists to redline minorities from getting home loans.”
I wish I didn’t have to listen to these lightweights, and refuse to look at them. I’m instead looking over the audience and into the future and frowning at what I see.