Oh boy. This is going to be great. I’ve always wanted to meet her but frankly thought I’d never have a chance. Only rich and brilliant winners like Donald J. Trump get to be with women as pretty as Melania. That injustice changed just minutes ago with the arrival of the best text message I’ve ever received. I’m not kidding. This is what it says: “CA4 text: Melania Trump 3/18 LA, Tickets $2800> (link) or DonJr & Kimberly in Danville $500 March 3.”
I’d like to meet Don Jr., and his hot girlfriend Kimberly, and learn about big game hunting and tell him he’s already a fine politician with a deep voice but, really, Melania’s the one I’ve got to talk to. I admit I’m pretty worried. I don’t own a single suit. Imagine what she’d think. Actually, she probably wouldn’t even notice a guy like that. I’ll have to buy a real nice suit or maybe rent a tuxedo. I know I’ll have to look sharper than ever.
As you see above, this isn’t going to be cheap, even leaving the wife at home. That more sign, >, worries hell out of me. If I only pay about three grand, I’ll probably be the poorest guy at some unidentified fancy place in Beverly Hills and will be seated far away. I bet only guys donating fifty grand and up will actually get to meet Melania. Let me tell you, I don’t care, I’m clicking the link right now and getting my ticket. On the big night I’ll work my way to the front, so I better practice what I might say.
I’ll shake her hand firmly, but not too hard, and say, “Melania, Mrs. Trump, you’re even more beautiful in person.”
“Thank you,” she’ll say, smiling. “Do you live in Beverly Hills?”
“No, I drive a truck in Bakersfield, which isn’t too far from here. Have you been there?”
“President Trump was there last month and told lots of farmers how he’s going to help them. He’ll get seventy percent of the vote in Kern County.”
Even if I get this far, which probably I won’t, I know some secret service agent will tell me to move along.
“Hold it, hotshot, I didn’t pay three thousand bucks to be given the bum’s rush.”
The agent, and one or two others, will grab my arms and start to lead me away.
As Melania’s smile fades into a frown, I’ll tell her, “Your husband may be getting his money from these big donors, but it’s working people like me who elected him. He’d never have won Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin without us.”
I know all these zillionaire Republicans will be looking down on me but I’ll still always be glad I met Melania.