I’m getting ninety percent of the vote in our New Hampshire primary while the Democrats keep struggling to decide which bozo they want. Looks like old Bernie Sanders has about a quarter of the vote, about a point more than little Pete Buttigieg, who should grow up before he tries to tangle with me, and several ahead of Amy Klobuchar. I don’t have an official nickname for her yet but may start calling her Amy the Weasel since she often screeches at aides in a disgraceful way. I hear Sleepy Joe Biden, the guy who says he’ll clean my clock in November, is slipping out of the state before polls close so he can take his dying campaign to Nevada and South Carolina where he’s getting weaker and will continue to sink since even hardcore Dems know he can’t beat me. No one can. Barack Obama and Bill Clinton didn’t get nearly as many votes in New Hampshire at the end of their first terms. Neither did George W. Bush.
I’m really not worried about the presidential election. I’m concerned about your safety. No matter how nice some immigrants may seem, it’s certain some will turn out to be snakes who snatch money right out of your pockets to feed their welfare habits. That’s why I’m proposing a budget to reduce the thirty-six million freeloaders on food stamps. There’s also way too much Medicaid. You know Obamacare still hurts the working people of this nation.
Desperate Democrats are trying to convince you that I want to destroy our social safety net. That’s a lie. Here’s what I promise: “We’re not touching Medicare… We’re not touching social security… But we’re going to cut waste and fraud.” I’m going to whack off about a trillion bucks from entitlements over the next ten years, and I’ll do it in ways that won’t affect beneficiaries but instead increase bills to doctors, hospitals, and other providers. Don’t worry about the details. I’ll handle everything.
I believe in being responsible to my country, family, and friends, and am supporting Roger Stone who was falsely convicted of obstruction, lying, and witness tampering as part of the phony Mueller investigation. Dishonest prosecutors recommended Roger get seven to nine years in prison. I’m tweeting up a storm about this “miscarriage of justice” and within hours my Department of Justice overturns the outrageous recommendations. Four of the prosecutors resign in protest. Good riddance. You know damn well after the election I’ll pardon Roger Stone, if I have to, as well as Paul Manafort. What about my dumb former lawyer Michael Cohen? I hate traitors. Let him rot.