This is really exciting, like being at a movie I’m directing. I’d rather be on site close to the action, exchanging gunfire, but my generals insist I’ve got to watch from here as our several helicopters fly in low and fast before landing at a secret location in northwest Syria. About sixty elite soldiers jump out and start blowing away ISIS enemies. There’s bearded and bloodthirsty Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, whimpering, crying, and screaming as he drags three of his children into a subterranean tunnel. When our dogs close in, Baghdadi activates the suicide vest around his filthy body, mutilating himself and the children. The tunnel caves in but our guys have plenty of DNA and facial recognition equipment that give us certain and immediate and positive identification. It’s Baghdadi. We have a very long reach. Monsters like Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi can never sleep safely – we’ll pursue them to their brutal end.
I’d like to thank our dear friends whose help made this operation possible – Russia, Turkey, Syria, Iraq and, of course, the Syrian Kurds. I’m sure you want some sensitive information about our intelligence and planning prior to the operation, so here are a few key things we knew and how we knew them before we decapitated ISIS, the most bloody group of terrorists in world history.