What a ridiculous debate, just like the one the night before. The Democrats don’t have anyone with remotely my star power. But that’s not their biggest problem. With their crazy policies, they couldn’t beat me if they nominated George Washington.
Right away the candidates started arguing about who’d be better at spending trillions of dollars for health care. What they really want is to take away the private insurance plans that millions of you love, and force you to pay the government for the public option. Many of them try to deny it, of course. Kamala Harris and Joe Biden pretended each had the better idea but once the Democrats get started they’d destroy private insurance, restrict the profits of our brilliant pharmaceutical companies, and bankrupt the nation. They can’t compete with me. I know more about bankruptcies than any president in history.
I love it when my opponents talk about immigration. They’re handing me the election. Julian Castro said it shouldn’t be a crime to enter our nation illegally but somehow he denied he favored open borders. He wants open borders, folks, and so do the rest of the Democrats. Rather than worrying about your jobs and your safety, people like Kamala Harris are complaining about private detention facilities. That’s the problem with Democrat politicians, most have always fed at the public trough. They’re afraid of business and envy those of us who’ve been successful creating jobs and making money.
Watch the Democrats carefully about busing. In her first debate, Harris bragged about being bused in Berkeley. The rest of the liberals feel the same way. They’d like to take your kids from the suburbs and bus them into the ghettos and send the ghetto kids to the suburbs you worked so hard to move to. When the suburbs are invaded, you know what would happen. The Democrats call me a racist. I’m the least racial person you’ll ever meet. Joe Biden’s not often right about anything but he nailed it when he pointed out Harris, as attorney general of California, did nothing to desegregate Los Angeles and San Francisco. On the other hand, I’ve done more to help blacks than any president in history, using my economic genius to reduce black unemployment to its lowest level ever. The prosperity I’m creating will actually do something about the Democrat complaint that eighty percent of people in prison dropped out of high school. I’m going to transform our rat-infested ghettos into chic urban centers. By the way, the next time Julian Castro calls me a racist I’m going to call him Fidel.
Other than tree-hugging nutcase Jay Inslee, the Democrats didn’t talk that much about the supposedly end-of-the-world problem posed by global warming. The environmental restrictions of their proposed green new deal would devastate our economy and bankrupt us even worse than their health care plans. I’ll keep air and water clean by wisely spending money generated by the greatest economy in world history. The Democrats didn’t bother denying unemployment is at record lows and the stock market at record highs. And they couldn’t damage me by noting women earn eighty percent of what men earn for the same work. I’m a pioneer in hiring women executives. I promoted the first elite female executive in the New York construction business, I made my first wife, Ivana, president of the Plaza Hotel, and, as you know, I give huge responsibilities to my sexy daughter Ivanka.
Cory Booker, the failed mayor of disastrous Newark, who’s now a senator, bragged that he’ll bring home our troops from Afghanistan as soon as possible and he “will not conduct foreign policy by tweet.” First, Cory, clean up your own nest before you try to command the most powerful nation on earth. You’ll never be our president. You’ve only got four million Twitter followers compared to my sixty-two million. That’s what counts.
Staying in foreign policy, Joe Biden had to admit he backed the war in Iraq. He squealed that his “mistake was to trust the intelligence reports of President George W. Bush.” Biden and Bush should’ve been smart like me and opposed the war. Ignore those who claim I didn’t really speak out against the war. And aren’t you getting tired of Tulsi Gabbard always bragging she enlisted after 9/11 so she could fight Al Qaeda. I probably would’ve enlisted, too, but my Vietnam bone spurs are still bothering me.
For some reason, despite my exoneration, bozo Booker soon said, “We should start impeachment proceedings immediately.” Right, to remove Cory Booker from the United States Senate. Julian “Fidel” Castro said let’s “go forward.” Incompetent New York mayor Bill DiBlasio said it’s “obvious Trump has committed crimes worthy of impeachment.” I’m a real New Yorker and know it’s time to impeach DiBlasio. He and Booker can start a lousy comedy team. Some nobody named Michel Bennet said the “best way to impeach Donald Trump is to beat him in 2020.” In other words, it ain’t happening.
In closing statements these losers continued with the predictable. Tax hell out of the wealthy for universal health care. Be ready when Trump accuses us of being socialists. Remind people Trump believes in “socialism for the rich.” Keep saying that Trump has “torn apart the fabric of this country.” Be aware that “warmongering politicians” aren’t worried there are thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at us. Trump thinks he’s still appearing in a reality TV show.
That’s right, and I’m the star of the show with the best ratings in the world.