I’m busy defending freedom and building the greatest economy ever but know you’ll be fascinated by my opinions of the communist party’s first presidential debate. They have twenty stooges running, and ten are standing on stage tonight. Wait, is Julian Castro standing? He’s even shorter than schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren. The guy ought to wear high heels. Now let’s be honest, Tulsi Gabbard’s hot. She brags a lot about serving two tours as a medic in Iraq, and no one’s really interested in her as president, but she’s the kind of babe I like to grab.
Pocahontas Warren is so phony. She talks about corporations having one goal and that’s to earn a profit, as if making money’s bad. Listen, if you don’t profit you go bankrupt which I’ve done five times but I did so using all the laws. Warren would drive our country into a permanent depression if we let her spend everything on her fantasy of turning the world into a green heaven. And she claims she’d abandon her private insurance for a universal public option. She’s not that dumb, folks.
I know you’ve heard how Amy Klobuchar abuses her staff members. The fake news lefties won’t come out and say it. She’s a bitch. I’m not fooled by her smile that’s really a snarl when she tries to talk nice. Stay away from her. That’ll be easy. She isn’t going anywhere.
Now there’s Beto O’Rourke confusing himself and everyone else about what he really wants for health care and then, like a dunce, he starts speaking Spanish and alienating the majority of Americans who’re sick of undesirables invading us from the south. I didn’t understand what he said and don’t care. I speak English, the language of greatness. So Cory Booker’s also a fool ranting in Spanish. Don’t they realize they’re handing me the heartland.
I’m glad most Americans understand I’m the wall between them and chaos. When my immigration and security plans are complete, we won’t have any more tragedies like a father and young daughter drowning in the Rio Grande after being denied asylum. They should’ve just gone home. Julian Castro says he’s proud to be the first candidate to offer a comprehensive immigration plan. I haven’t read his plan, and I won’t. Why should I? I haven’t even read my own plan, but I know Castro basically wants to open up the borders. Look, we either have a country or we don’t. I’m surprised Beto and Castro aren’t debating this in Spanish.
Dick DeBlasio, that joke of a mayor from New York City, says immigrants aren’t the problem. Corporations are. Little Dick, who’s probably the biggest pansy in the history of my rough city, should know that without powerful corporations we wouldn’t have the wealth to live better than anyone in history while attracting freeloaders from all over the world.
The Democrats are out of control. Amy Klobuchar believes we all share the goal of universal health care. That’s nonsense. And Julian Castro says he supports reproductive justice which he thinks is under attack in many places including Missouri, Alabama, and Georgia. Elizabeth Warren jumps in to say everyone must support Roe v. Wade. These people are way out of step with our changing America.
Cory Booker’s not going to win many votes from blue collars whites by announcing it’s repugnant to profit from law and order by having large private prisons. People want to be protected and don’t care whether the bad guys are locked up by bureaucrats or businessmen. Let them compete for the honor.
Now they’re moving into foreign policy, and Amy Klobachar – who’s going to remember that weird last name? – charges I made the United States unsafe by getting tough with Iran and that I’m conducting foreign policy in a bathrobe while leading us within ten minutes and one tweet of war. In fact, I’m starving and scaring the mullahs so there won’t be any war. General Tulsi Gabbard, solemnly saying she served in Iraq at the “height of the war,” demands we stand up to “chickenhawks” like John Bolton and Mike Pompeo. I know she’s implying I’m a chickenhawk, too. I guarantee you if I hadn’t had bone spurs I’d have been a great soldier in Vietnam. The military knows I’m tough.
The Democrats insist on being the party of weakness. Elizabeth Warren wants the federal government to decide what to do with guns she says are a “virus killing our children.” Bad people kill children, Elizabeth, not guns. Good guys with guns save lives. Tell that to the children you say ask how you’re going to keep them safe. Don’t move into Cory Booker’s neighborhood. He’s proud to be the only presidential candidate who lives in a ghetto where seven people were shot last year. Booker says he wants to “buy back” guns but he really wants to take them away from you. Julian Castro and Amy Klobuchar also talk about common sense gun control and mental health care and a buy buck, but watch out.
My opponents are still the touchy feely party. They want to limit the police, squeeze the wealthy, and restrict my ability to use our military to protect us. Those positions won’t help them and neither will their obsession with making everything about me. Some guy up there named John Delaney told the truth. Most Americans are interested in jobs, infrastructure, and health care, and my powerful economy is taking care of the first en route to resolving the other two.