I must tell you that we are in great danger because the Iranians are planning to attack American personnel in the Middle East. This I know because I’m very shrewd analyzing intelligence, and that’s how I knew Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction and was preparing to start World War III. Every day I give thanks that strong men like George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and me slaughtered our enemies and crushed the country. We must now be ready to thus strike the Iranians. Look what they did the other day. They sabotaged two oil tankers belonging to our dear friends the Saudis and ordered their proxies, the Houthis of Yemen, to drone strike two oil pumping stations on royal land. What evidence do I have the Iranians are responsible? Just look at my credentials above and don’t give me any crap about this being another Gulf of Tonkin frame-up.
The United States always acts in a righteous way. We used to be able to change regimes behind the scenes, and I hope we’ll soon regain that ability, but for the time being we must send more B-52 bombers and F-15 fighters and warships including an aircraft carrier to the Middle East, which just hasn’t learned the lessons we’re teaching so I’ve ordered a hundred twenty thousand troops to get ready, too. Of course, President Trump is in charge of all this, and now that I’ve been advising him on national security more than a year he more clearly understands the existential danger posed by the Islamic State.
Weak generals like my predecessor, H.R. McMaster, and James Mattis, the former secretary of defense, didn’t understand the threat and had to be replaced. We need men of steel like John Bolton because I love threatening smaller nations and making exciting plans and studying maps and moving our unparalleled military equipment first across maps and then around the globe in order to crush steadily rising threats to U.S. forces. We warned the Iranians and withdrew from the nuclear deal that saps like England, France, Germany, Russia, and China are still backing. We know it’s a bad deal and our sanctions are squeezing Iran’s balls and forcing their oil exports down, down, down, and other nations even our friends better not buy any or we’ll slap sanctions on them, too. What we say is the real law of the world. That’s why with a happy hand in 2002 I signed our country out of the International Criminal Court so inferiors around the world couldn’t someday try to put heroes like Bush, Cheney, Trump, and me in the dock at Nuremberg.