I love democracy or I’d say cancel the 2020 election because all the Democrats are children compared to me and I’m going to win easily. Go ahead. Throw me some names and I’ll explain.
Joe Biden – Can’t believe this wimp threatened to punch me because of my popularity with women. Look what’s happening. Even liberal ladies are complaining he gets too close and touchy and smells their hair. He’s also a gaffe-artist and almost eighty but doesn’t know his presidential desires have never been more than a fantasy. Who cares his poll numbers have skyrocketed against little Demos? You know surveys that show him beating me have to be fake. I’m shocked even Fox News and Rasmussen got the same results.
Bernie Sanders – Gray Bernie’s even a year older than Biden and so senile he wants to turn us into a nation of socialist whiners who give trillions of dollars to poor people for health care and welfare. He even scares liberals. Imagine what the rest of America thinks. Forget those ridiculous polls that have him leading me. Americans aren’t going to elect a guy who calls himself a democratic socialist and wants to make college free and increase social security benefits. People know they have to pay for higher education and accept lower social security benefits because we must spend more than seven hundred billion a year to fight terrorists and deter nuclear-armed enemies who’re becoming more radical. Bernie doesn’t get it. He’d leave us broke and in foreign chains.
Kamala Harris – This is a nasty chick who’s always rude and abrasive when she interrogates Republicans during Senate hearings and was really bad the way she treated new and patriotic Attorney General William Barr who, like you, is sick of the phony Mueller investigation but delighted that it cleared me of collusion and obstruction and everything else. Kamala’s also hyper as hell at town hall meetings all over the country, telling her story and saying she intends to win. She’s lost half her support during the last month and is sending her subscribers endless emails begging for money.
Elizabeth Warren – Really, I’d love to run against Pocahontas. She’s got the appeal of a dorky elementary school teacher and only excites my base when she says I might be in jail by 2020. She knows that’s a lie. Let her rant against the rich. Americans like winners and love billionaires like me. Elizabeth’s nowhere in the polls and just doesn’t have it.
Beto O’Rourke – Get serious. Beto couldn’t even beat my good friend Ted Cruz in the U.S. Senate race in Texas last year. And you know how I manhandled Lyin’ Ted in the Republican primaries of 2016. Like Kamala Harris, Beto’s lost half his support in recent weeks. He should go back to playing in a punk band. He’d have a better future in music than politics.
Pete Buttigieg – It doesn’t bother me at all that Mayor Pete of South Bend, Indiana is gay, but I bet it bugs you. I’m open-minded. For years my favorite attorney was Roy Cohn, a really smart guy who’d been Senator Joseph McCarthy’s man of action, kind of like a much brighter Michael Cohen. I didn’t care who Roy slept with. Same with Pete. But I’m bothered he wants to get rid of student debts and lower medical bills. I’m the only guy who’s got the answers to our health care problems, and I’ll reveal my plans once I’ve taken care of loudmouth Democrats like Pete Buttigieg who, be honest, you know can’t win.
Cory Booker – They say Corey’s a social media sensation? Yeah, and I’ve got fifty million more followers on Twitter. Some people love a complainer and this guy’s also speaking solemnly about some exaggerated injustice. Most Americans are tired of that. They’ve already tuned him out and he’s only polling about two percent among the challengers.
Amy Klobuchar – After she drops out of the race, and that won’t be long, I may offer her a job in my administration. She should resign from the Senate and start using some of her good Midwest business ideas my supporters would like. Sure, let’s increase export opportunities for smaller American companies. We’ve got to do something about the trade deficit. In this kind of job Amy’s bitchy temper and abuse of employees wouldn’t be the issue it is in politics.
Tulsi Gabbard – You know it, but I probably can’t say it. Tulsi’s a babe who should be married to a guy like me. I admire her for serving in the National Guard and Iraq but wish the little honey had learned about the importance of regime change. I know she’s going to try to raise hell when I drop the hammer on the mullahs in Iran but not many will hear. She’s polling less than one percent now and is weak as hell on social media. But have you seen her in a bikini? Nice.
Julian Castro – I’m not going to lie. I never do. Julian gave a helluva keynote speech at the Democratic Convention in 2012 and I’d be a little worried if more than ninety-nine percent of Democrats weren’t ignoring him. When a guy’s getting trounced by a group of knuckleheads, he needs to forget about being president. I guess he’ll be considered for the presidential ticket if another Crooked Hillary gets the nomination. Otherwise, a woman will caddy for the male I trounce.
My prediction – One of two geezers, Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders, will get the nomination and probably take Kamala Harris as running mate. It really won’t matter.