I am honored today to speak for the greatest, most powerful and God-fearing creatures who have yet graced the earth, the white American male. For three months now we have been in the throes of moral outrage because Tiger Woods, after years of profitably portraying himself as a dedicated and monogamous family man, was revealed to be a promiscuous and selfish lout who had sexual intercourse with a variety of pretty young white women. On the moral scale we deep-voiced, albeit athletically-challenged, white men have sacredly established, Tiger’s sins must be considered at least as severe as those of Nat Turner. Thus, we must continue to berate him – Tiger, that is – in order to ensure our moral salvation.
You have heard our strident voices on the radio and seen our pallid and sneering faces on television and read our rants in a multitude of lowbrow publications, so you were accordingly poised last Friday when Tiger emerged from hiding and read a three-page letter of whines and excuses, all of which we have good reason to reject. First, we believe Tiger should have spoken extemporaneously. None of us, having to discuss our sex lives before a billion people, would have needed notes. We would have spoken from our unassailable guts. Then, like stalwarts, we would’ve taken questions and allowed ourselves to be publicly abused for hours while faultless interrogators sniffed our linens. That’s what a real man would’ve done. Also, a real white American man wouldn’t need therapy, especially inpatient therapy. That is for weaklings. We never need therapy since through bluster and prayer we immediately exorcise any demons trying to enter our souls.
That brings me to the most critical points. We who cast stones at Tiger Woods would never have yielded to temptation. Are we, like Tiger, extraordinarily talented, wealthy, and appealing to a multitude of hot women who pursue us as we work thousands of miles from home more than half the year? Okay, we are not exactly that. But let me assure you, if we were alone in lavish hotel rooms around the world, and curvaceous females were beating on our doors, we would tell them, “Nay, go away. I shall spend all the evenings of my youth either reading scripture or masturbating.” Doesn’t history prove that’s how most men respond when offered the most alluring temptations?