As Latin American hordes march toward our borders I every day feel more like Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt, two other presidents who faced threats that could’ve destroyed our nation. And like those heroic presidents, I am responding with bravery and vigor. I’m mobilizing our troops for war. At first I thought five thousand soldiers from the regular army would be enough when combined with ICE agents and the National Guard. Then I realized I better call up ten thousand, and after continuing to watch scary Fox News films of endless unbathed invaders marching our way I decided we probably need fifteen thousand troops. We need everything we can get.
We also have to get rid of the crazy law that allows illegal women to sneak into the United States and have babies who automatically become citizens of our country. That’s not right. I don’t think I have to bother with Congress and amending the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution. Some very bright lawyers have told me I can take care of the whole thing with an executive order. We’re the only nation in the world that allows aliens to give children eighty-five years of our extraordinary benefits. I know even some Republicans, like Paul Ryan, are saying an executive order isn’t enough. Others point out, usually in private, that Canada and Mexico permit the same kind of thing. I doubt that.
Whatever the legal technicalities of anchor babies, I definitely can send more troops and keep arousing all patriotic Americans to defend the borders on November sixth.