Brazilians love me and several weeks ago thousands at a rally were carrying me toward victory when a deranged man crept through the masses, lunged, and stabbed me in the abdomen. I grimaced but otherwise remained calm, as people would expect of a former military officer, and soon I realized the wound, though serious, was not fatal. From my hospital bed I spoke confidentially to one of my sons, and he shook my hand and walked downstairs to tell the media: “Today, the cowardly assailant has made my father president of Brazil.”
This is what God wants. As a younger man I wasn’t so religious but during seven terms in Federal Congress I became increasingly devout and during my presidential campaign evangelical Christians have embraced me because of my hatred of homosexuals and opposition to sex education in schools and my vow to encourage police to shoot suspected criminals and my guarantee to shrink bureaucracies and cut taxes and sweep away messy regulations bad for business and thereby create millions of new jobs.
The financial markets began celebrating my victory even before it came, and the Brazilian real is getting stronger versus the dollar as our stock market soars. Brazilians want a strong leader, a man such as I who admired our dictators from last century and who today believes that torture is the right way to deal with leftists responsible for rampant crime and poverty in a potentially great nation blessed with vast natural resources.
I am part of a conservative wave that has swept across the United States and much of South America and Europe. People want strong leadership. They yearn for discipline. They demand security. They crave personal wealth. And they cheer my confidence when they learn that years ago I told an obnoxious congresswoman, “I would never rape (her) because (she doesn’t) deserve it.” They applaud when I say our military dictators failed because they tortured rather than killed. They roar when I say, “If I see two men kissing in the street, I will hit them.” They nod when I say many indigenous and African Brazilians are so lazy and inept they can’t even procreate. They agree when I say, “My four sons would certainly never fall in love with black women because my sons are very well educated.”
President Trump delighted me with a congratulatory telephone call. We agree on many topics and plan, as Trump tweeted, to “work closely together on trade, military, and everything else.” The world’s headed the right way.