Worried and nervous but with hope I turn on my television to watch President Donald Trump, wearing pajamas in the White House presidential bedroom, speak about our national crisis.
“Sometimes I wish I had a way to address an all-white audience,” he says. “If you’re nonwhite I can’t prevent you from listening but be forewarned that I’m unabashedly addressing the pure European Americans who dominate my base and have created most that is worthwhile and wonderful in the world. To these extraordinary people, my biological brothers and sisters, I sound the most urgent alarm. Our birthrate continues to decline and more whites are dying than being born in about half the states, including California, New York, and Florida, and in a generation we will be a minority in this great nation.
“What should we do? You’re probably baffled, but I’m your president and know precisely what has to be done. We must produce more babies. Whites don’t want to have more than two children, many will respond, if they want any at all. That must change, and I will provide leadership. Despite being seventy-two and having five wonderful kids, I will return to the fertility factory and start cranking out more. This sacrifice may not be good for my current marriage, as similar exertions hurt my previous marriages, but I must think about what’s best for the United States of America.
“Starting this evening I will five nights a week host one, two, or even three young Aryan ladies and in them implant my marvelous Anglo-Germanic seeds that generate beautiful and brilliant children. How will a man my age sustain such a Herculean pace? The answer is quite simple. I will gorge myself with testosterone and other drugs that enhance sexual performance. I encourage all other white men of my generation to do the same. Either do so voluntarily or I may have to someday order you to participate in order to protect our bloodlines. Don’t worry about access to medical specialists or the cost of drugs. All that will be paid for by a special new tax cut. If you’re a young white man, you are of course encouraged, and may soon be required, to sire at least three children. You will also be paid a fertility bonus of fifty thousand dollars for each child you produce after the fifth.
“I know you’re wondering: what about white women of childbearing age? They, too, will be given tax cuts and bonuses for prolific results, and may be required to participate in this program. No longer can we afford to have millions of childless and one-child career women. You can have lots of kids along with a rewarding career. I realize that American women alone will not be sufficient to sustain the vital population boost. We must recruit women from all over Europe, particularly in the East where they are poor and uneducated and anxious to better themselves and should not be walking the streets of places like Madrid and Amsterdam. They need to be in the beds of America, safe and affluent as they conceive millions of nation-saving babies.”
From somewhere off camera a woman shouts, “Never,” and President Trump orders, “Lock her in her bedroom.”