As a Russian intelligence agent and aficionado of good educational TV, I was at first intrigued by excited commentators on CNN and MSNBC who proclaimed they had an audio tape that offered a stunning conversation between Donald Trump and his legal consigliore Michael Cohen. They instead broadcast a barely audible and utterly boring conversation about the best way to pay former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal to keep silent about her affair years earlier with The Donald. I waited several minutes for the narrative to improve, squirming because I didn’t want the hosts or their lawyerly guests to embarrass themselves talking about nothing. I also worried viewers would either nod off or change channels, and decided to rescue everyone by activating some of our nonpareil Russian technology and surveillance footage.
In minutes most television networks based in the United States were broadcasting a blockbuster video that began with Trump charming Stormy Daniels in a hotel room. Stormy disrobed as did her suitor and they began to make love and doubtless would have continued had Karen McDougal, red-faced and screaming, not stormed into the room and tackled Trump with such force he was uncoupled from Stormy. Despite her televised testimony to the contrary, the porn star had been ablaze under the efforts of the real estate baron and cursed McDougal whom she sprang on and tackled and pinned to the bed.
“Ladies, please,” he said.
He needn’t have fretted. Stormy was soon kissing Karen even more passionately than she had dashing Donald, who watched with interest until passion overcame him and he pounced on both ladies and alternately lay on one while the other spanked him with her panties. They all made much noise until a hotel security guard pounded their door. One of our agents neutralized the interloper, tossed him in a laundry cart, shouted “Everything’s okay,” and used an electronic card to open the door.
Vladimir Putin, aroused and wearing a cowboy hat, strode into the room, administered a rear chokehold on Trump to pull him off Stormy whom he mounted and then ordered the billionaire, “Tend to the other one until further notice.”