I hope you heard when I recently referred to myself as a genius. You know I am or I wouldn’t have gotten elected and then created millions of jobs and eliminated the danger of nuclear war and done many other great things. But many of you, especially Democrats, are having trouble following my recent moves so I’ll take your hand and lead you.
Last week, I hammered our so-called allies in NATO for being cheapskates and making us pay seventy to ninety percent of the annual costs of the alliance, which is probably outdated and unnecessary due to the peaceful nature of President Vladimir Putin and my special relationship with that extraordinary leader who’s on pace to be in power even longer than Stalin.
Don’t you understand psychology and friendship and dealmaking? Obviously I couldn’t have stood next to Vladimir this Monday in Helsinki and accused him of interfering in our 2016 presidential election. A shrewd leader doesn’t publicly kick another in the balls. Besides, I wasn’t giving him a pass. As I explained the following day, I didn’t mean to say, “I don’t see why Russia would” be involved in undermining our election. I meant to say, “I don’t see why Russia wouldn’t” be involved. Double negatives are easier to understand, don’t you think?
During the press conference I wanted to emphasize that I’d just privately told Putin face to face to stay out of America’s elections. I let him know we can’t have this, and we’re not going to have it. I know I scared him. And I told you about this a couple of days later. Then, sure, I did say I don’t think Russia is currently interfering in our political system. I doubt Vladimir would allow that. Still, he’ll be responsible if it happens again. He’s the president and should know but some of his secret agents are probably operating without his knowledge.
I wish you would understand that no president in our history’s been tougher on Vladimir than I have. I’ve hit him with sanctions and expelled Russian spies and warned him to behave himself in Syria. That’s plenty. Our relationship with Russia, and my bond with Vladimir, is more important because the two of us can save the world from nuclear war, which is closer than you think. Take Montenegro, a tiny nation full of very aggressive people. Now that they’re a NATO member they could attack someone and start World War III.
I’m not going to let that happen. At this moment I’m offering the greatest peace initiative in the history of the human race. I’m inviting Russia to become a member of NATO.