I love playing beautiful golf courses especially when they bear my name. Today I’m by the sea at Trump Turnberry in Scotland and ignoring orange-faced weirdos who’re jealous I’m the most powerful man in the world and just roughed up some of their Europeans leaders in Brussels. Today, I’m really having a great time. Turnberry’s a magical place I’ve made more incredible by investing millions to build the finest sand traps and dunes and fairways and greens as well as a lavish hotel where Melania and I are staying before we fly to Helsinki for my very private meeting with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.
I really think I could’ve been a professional golfer if I’d concentrated on that instead of becoming a billionaire playboy and so much more. I’m not playing quite as well today as usual. I’m seventy-two and a bit overweight and on these tough and beautiful courses I order the rough deep and thick and right now I’m looking for my drive. There it is. I’ll just improve the lie a little – this isn’t the British Open – and chip back in the fairway. Nicely done. Now I’ll hit an iron and probably get the ball close enough to sink a putt and save par. You can bet it would’ve taken Obama three or four whacks to get out of this stuff.
I guess you’ve already heard the good news I’d received several days earlier. The Mueller investigation, which should’ve finished long ago, announced there’s no evidence my campaign people were “knowingly in touch” with the twelve Russian intelligence officers just indicted for hacking into Crooked Hillary’s campaign computers and spreading tens of thousands of emails. It was just a coincidence in August 2016 I joked the Russians should find Hillary’s missing emails. I have no idea who is Gucifer 2.0, a Russian agent who the same month and year supposedly contacted a “person in touch with the Trump campaign” and offered to help. I didn’t need Russian help. The mistreated blue collar workers of America pushed me forward.
I may mention all this campaign stuff to Vladimir Putin but I doubt we’ll spend much time on it. I don’t want to offend him. He’s already told me he doesn’t know anything about Russian interference in my campaign. I trust Vladimir a lot more than dorks like Angela Merkel and Theresa May. I’d never play golf with them. If Vladimir played, I’d definitely invite him to one of my courses. After the round we’d talk about Syria and Iran and North Korea and NATO, anything but collusion.