My White House bed is very lonely. Fortunately, I’m asleep and dreaming about one of my most profound duties as president: nominating a Supreme Court justice. In eight years Clinton, Bush, and Obama each only got to select two. In my year and a half I’m already considering my second pick, and I really like Brett Kavanaugh, a great appellate judge, legal scholar, professor, family man, and youth basketball leader, known as Coach K, who appears in my room, standing at attention.
“Tell me your basic legal philosophy in a brief way that won’t bore or confuse me,” I say.
“Mr. President, a judge’s job is to interpret the law, not to make law or make policy.”
“I agree. And I like the fact you’ve gone after both Clintons. My followers love to chant, ‘Lock her up.’ Maybe we can still do that.”
“I tried quite hard to get rid of President Clinton when I worked as an associate counsel for Independent Counsel Ken Starr.”
I give a thumbs up to Brett and say, “Ken Starr’s a patriot.”
“He certainly is, and in his behalf I was one of the key writers of the Starr Report that emphasized going easy on Clinton would be ‘abhorrent’ and that he should either ‘resign or confess perjury and issue a public apology to Ken Starr.’
“Clinton ‘disgraced his office and the American people by having sex with’ a ripe intern only twenty-two years of age. His behavior was ‘callous and disgusting.’ Can you imagine a president behaving like that?”
I hold a palm in front of each breast and say, “Certainly not in the Oval Office.”
“I wanted to pin Clinton’s libidinous corpse to the wall by asking if he ‘twice ejaculated into Monica Lewinsky’s mouth’ and on another occasion climaxed into a bathroom sink beside the Oval Office and on another if he masturbated into a trash can in his secretary’s office.”
I throw off the covers and stand on my bed to say, “Brett Kavanaugh, you’re the greatest American since Sean Hannity. What did you do next?”
“After Clinton escaped the noose, I worked to elect George W. Bush and served on his legal team during the Florida Recount of 2000. Thank God, we won. The whole world won. Imagine the catastrophes that would’ve resulted from an Al Gore presidency. Once President Bush took office, I worked first as his associate counsel and then as his staff secretary, helping to nominate conservative judges, publicize Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and downplay U.S. torture.”
“I hear you don’t like Obamacare,” I say.
“That’s true, Mr. President. In fact, as an appellate judge I wrote, ‘Under the Constitution the president may decline to ensure a statute that regulates private individuals when the president deems the statute unconstitutional, even if a court has held or would hold the statute constitutional.’”
“What’s the hell’s that mean?”
“It means you may someday declare Obamacare unconstitutional and our conservative court will agree with you, or, rather, the Constitution, and we’ll be rid of that mess. Quite a few people, millions, will lose their health care coverage, though.”
“Only temporarily. I’ll have Trumpcare ready to take over.”
I step off my bed and take a seat at a table and motion for Brett Kavanaugh to join me.
“It’s terrible how these fake news and collusion loonies are trying to frame me about Russia. I have to worry about them every day.”
Brett nods before saying, “It sounds like you know I wrote, ‘Congress should establish the president can only be indicted after he leaves office or is impeached by the House of Representatives and removed from office.’ And I also believe ‘the president should appoint the independent counsel and the independent counsel should be approved by Congress, not by a panel of judges.’”
“Congress will protect me from Robert Mueller and his hounds.”
“As long as the majority of its members are Republicans.”
“I’ve got no problem there, Brett. My approval rating’s soared to forty-five percent.”
“That’s most impressive, Mr. President. No commander in chief should be burdened by criminal prosecution or civil suits.”
“You have an extraordinary legal mind, and I think you’ve got the job. But I’ve got to make sure you’ll satisfy my base and work to overturn Roe v. Wade.”
“I definitely don’t like Roe v. Wade but consider it established law, Mr. President.”
“Maybe it’s unconstitutional,” I say.
“That presupposes a fetus has more constitutional rights than the mother.”
“They should have equal rights.”
“I agree, but that will be difficult to sell.”
I pick up a paper on my table and say, “Here we have a brief summary of Garza v. Hargan from last year. You wrote, ‘The government has permissible interests in favoring fetal life, protecting the best interest of a minor, and refraining from facilitating abortion.”
“I certainly feel that way, Mr. President, but during arguments I also stated that the seventeen-year-old girl should be released from custody, ‘presumably a good thing,’ and allowed to obtain an abortion if she so chooses.”
“Seems like you sometimes take both sides of an issue,” I say.
“Politics are essential in every profession.”
Notes: Politico and Vox reported some of Brett Kavanaugh’s legal quotes above.