(This letter from President Barack Obama to Rich Lowry, editor of the National Review, was posted on the White House website ten minutes ago.)
Dear Mr. Lowry,
I am writing to concede – nay, to emphasize – that you are the most profound and righteous stud of the 21st Century and, likely, in the annals of American endeavor. I have not earned the right to address a man of such eminence, but, as President of the United States, I hope you will at least permit me to beg your forgiveness for, as you so correctly (and poetically) phrase it, my being a “graceless, whiny, tin-eared, (and) classless” non-leader who is beset by “self-pitying arrogance.” Please try to empathize, even with one as loathsome as I. You see, I am overwhelmed not merely by your brilliance but that of my inimitable predecessor, President George W. Bush.
I admit feeling like the wimp who tried to replace Babe Ruth. His name has dissolved into history as mine will as well. In a darkened White House closet I tremble in shock and awe of President Bush’s (and your) splendid decisions that unleashed the lions of Wall Street on their shareholders, the peons of this nation, and encouraged the former to devour billions of dollars in bonuses even while presiding over companies losing trillions. Only men with brass balls could sanction such behavior. I salute you, and at the same time note that I have been criminally profligate in presuming economic change was needed, and in trying to stimulate it with governmental money. There is of course no such thing. All real money belongs to corporate executives and their gleeful butt-shiners.
You are also quite perceptive in noting that I have resorted to the vilest “calumny” when criticizing the international behavior of President Bush, who, I must tell you privately, is an astonishing fusion of Alexander the Great and Bismarck. In my position, many (lesser people than you) would be overwhelmed by jealousy. I should – and soon will – publicly confess that the invasion of Iraq was a strategic masterstroke that at once demonstrated bold contempt for international law, a prodigious ability to sustain lies regarding evidence of weapons of mass destruction, a “tin-ear” for United Nations weapons inspectors who were indeed finding nothing in Iraq, an obsession to defeat a leader and a nation that were already starving and defeated, an appalling ignorance of the slaughter that would follow, and the insipidity to claim twenty thousand surge troops made all the difference subduing a variety of insurgents in a large and tormented country. I am confident that, if possible, you would joyfully travel back in time and die – like tens of thousands of Iraqi children, women, and other civilians – in order to confirm the critical necessity of U.S. intervention.
And, I will say it – goddamn me for my “pre-emptive excuse making” in lamenting that President Bush diverted our physical, financial and emotional focus from Afghanistan, which shielded certifiable enemies, in order to pursue wild geese. Naturally, I should be grateful that the Taliban has been allowed to build strength and deepen its involvement with Al Qaeda in Pakistan as well as Afghanistan. I could not have precipitated that delightful development. I simply lack the talent of President Bush and you and other stalwarts of the scintillating right.
As I write this, I am tempted to resign my office and return it to its rightful holder. Alas, without constitutional intervention, he can no longer command us. I am therefore bound by the sacred laws of intelligent design to cede my job to a consummately superior man. Thus, with utmost urgency, I offer you, Rich Lowry, the Presidency of the United States.
Once Uppity but Now Chastened,