You’d think everyone would be congratulating me about the most extraordinary diplomatic breakthrough in decades, but some aren’t. They’re complaining I conferred legitimacy on a murderous dictator. In fact, I got off my presidential ass, unlike all my predecessors, and traveled thousands of miles to talk to a guy who has lots of nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them. But critics whine that by cancelling the joint military exercises with South Korea I weakened our alliance and emboldened Kim Jong Un. Wrong. Kim was already too bold and would’ve become more radical if we’d kept waving our swords in his face. You want China and Mexico to start holding joint military exercises?
I’m also tired of hearing I shouldn’t have talked to Kim because he violates human rights and imprisons critics in North Korea. I know more about atrocities there than most of you and plan to help those political prisoners but can’t do anything now. They’ll end up winners when I take care of the first priority and denuclearize the Korean Peninsula. We removed our nuclear weapons from South Korea long ago. The North Koreans have a lot of work to do. We’ll be monitoring them.
If we want Kim Jong Un to completely change the nature of his military, and maybe his country, we’ve got to be nicer. I related well to him and right away noted he was smart and talented and understood why his people love him. It’s an honor to meet a man who at age twenty-seven was strong enough to inherit a dictatorship and secure it by inspiring friends and eliminating enemies. That doesn’t mean I like everything he does. North Korea’s a rough place but in only a year and a half I’ve been able to scare hell out of Kim and his generals and then charm him so he sees what he has to do and I can tweet, “There is no longer a Nuclear Threat from North Korea.”
I didn’t give up anything by diplomatically forcing Kim to promise to denuclearize. If he doesn’t make satisfactory progress, I’ll just pick up the phone and tell my generals, “Start planning the biggest joint military exercises in the history of our alliance with South Korea.” Prior exercises didn’t prevent the North Koreans from developing their missiles and warheads and behaving recklessly. That’s why I’m trying something else. If it doesn’t work, and I pray it will, I’ll have to send cruise missiles and bombers to strike vast North Korean artillery sites, which would destroy Seoul if I don’t take them out, and direct other missiles and bombers to hit known nuclear facilities in the north. That’s all pretty risky, especially for South Korea and Japan, but better than Kim Jong Un firing nukes at us.