I love my giant TV in the sky and hotlines to hell where you still dwell. No longer do I have to worry about the deadly schemes of millions of enemies internal and external and my stressful duty of arresting, torturing, and slaughtering them. Those tasks now fall to others, in many nations, and I’m the retired and handsomely paid pundit who appears on your favorite news outlet, proffering opinions and analyses unique to the body and soul of Joseph Stalin, the five-foot-five giant who crushed Hitler and dominated the Soviet Union for a quarter century.
All my fancy gadgets from the twenty-first century were alight yesterday when reports emerged that the United States, as threatened by clownish President Donald Trump, had launched cruise missile strikes against chemical weapons facilities in Syria. Before further addressing this matter, I’d like to reference CIA operation Timber Sycamore wherein callow President Barack Obama ordered his agents to train and agitate opponents of President Bashar al-Assad, many of whom were jihadists, and almost knocked out the awkward eye doctor and would have but for the intervention of the Russians and President Vladimir Putin, who forever strives but fails to match my stature. As a result of foreign provocateurs and Assad, obsessed with maintaining power inherited from his inept father, six hundred thousand Syrians have died and fourteen million are displaced, often starving and homeless in nations that generally don’t want them and can’t offer much help.
I’m still utterly untroubled by anyone’s suffering except my own but this catastrophe compels me to point to American inconsistencies. Why didn’t they punish Saddam Hussein and Iraq for using chemical weapons during the war with Iran in the eighties? Why didn’t Barack Obama ignore congressional threats of impeachment and attack Assad for gassing civilians? Why did Donald Trump criticize Obama for publicly discussing a strike? Don’t tell the enemy our military plans, said the man who, after Assad may have gassed about seventy women and children near Damascus last week, maniacally tweeted, “Get ready, Russia, because (the missiles) will be coming nice and new and ‘smart.’” There’s no such weapon as a smart bomb when used by a dumbass.
Putin, who might have qualified as one of my commissars, then prudently ordered all personnel out of air force bases likely to be targeted. After the launch of a hundred and five slow and low-flying cruise missiles by the U.S., France, and England, Syria claimed it shot down thirteen, and the Russians later asserted they destroyed an astounding seventy-one missiles. As we wait for evidence to confirm or refute, I wager no one hits seventy percent of incoming targets.
Russia proclaimed the attack an act of “barbaric aggression” and said there would be “consequences” for anyone “insulting President Putin.” Furthermore, the U.S.-led operation is “militarily a strike against Syria. Politically, it’s a strike against Russia.” That’s true, and an American aircraft carrier group is steaming toward Syria while Russian attack submarines wait, but I doubt they’ll exchange more than hot words. Even I feared nuclear weapons.