(These secret communiques between President Kim Jong Un and President Xi Jinping were intercepted and assembled in March 2018 by the intelligence agencies of the United States and South Korea, and released early this morning.)
Kim Jong Un – Mr. President, you’ve slashed imports of our products by eighty percent so far this year. And you’ve cut exports to our country by a third.
Xi Jinping – These are necessary steps.
KJU – So you can side with our mutual enemy?
XJ – China can’t afford to have the United States as an existential foe now or in the future. Neither can you.
KJU – My conventional bombs and missiles would devastate enemy soldiers and civilians on the Korean Peninsula, and within a year I’ll be able to destroy American cities.
XJ – It’s alarming you say that, even in private. And shouting it publicly, as you have been, is intolerable.
KJU – We don’t want war. The Americans do.
XJ – I doubt they want a war with your country, either. You can hit back. And unless they’re fools who’ve forgotten history, they also know China would intervene, as long as you haven’t started the hostilities.
KJU – Trump and his new national security advisor John Bolton would be the aggressors.
XJ – They’re bullies who look for the least dangerous targets. If they attack anyone, it’ll probably be Iran. Trump needs war to divert the American public from his many problems.
KJU – In the meantime, I’m going to continue to develop, test, and display my burgeoning nuclear forces.
XJ – You’ll do quite the opposite. I’ve already eliminated almost all our petroleum and steel exports, and if necessary I’ll cut you off completely.
KJU – What do you want?
XJ – It’s quite straightforward, President Kim. I want the Korean Peninsula to be denuclearized.
KJU – I’ll consider it.
XJ – You’ll follow my advice, unless you want to starve.
KJU – But the Americans…
XJ – I’d like you to come to China later this month. We’ll present a unified front of brotherhood and strength.
KJU – You won’t let them destroy my regime?
XJ – I’ll put a roof over North Korea much as the United States has long shielded South Korea.
KJU – That might work.