I accept your passionate call to step in and stop the investigative nonsense that’s enveloping this nuclear nation of bluenose hypocrites. First, we don’t need to know if Donald Trump twelve years ago had a quick roll in the sack with stripper and porn star Stormy Daniels. We also don’t need to know if, during that period, he rendezvoused with Playboy centerfold Karen McDougal several times a month in hotel rooms. The ostensibly important issue here is whether Trump authorized personal attorney Michael Cohen to wire Daniels a hundred-thirty grand and the National Enquirer to pay McDougal a hundred-fifty thousand for exclusive rights to her story the publication then buried.
None of that matters. Donald Trump likely pursued romantic opportunities that would have delighted a majority of men, if they had the same options. Sadly, most married men deny they’d behave in such a way, and maintain straight faces as they preach about morality and restraint and the devil and more. Equally relevant, numerous married women would, and do, stray when they meet men who attract them. In this world, that’s how lusty, hypersexual human beings behave, and it’s unfortunate all presidential candidates must pretend to have been monogamous since their weddings nights.
Donald Trump knew his 2016 presidential chances might disappear if there’d been last-minute allegations of marital infidelity. As a man who reveres money and its many uses, Trump likely authorized the two nondisclosure agreements now incessantly in the news, but he shouldn’t have had to worry about public revelations of private passions, and therefore he shouldn’t have had to pay for silence. Additionally, it doesn’t matter if he did pay. The only relevant concern is if people acting in his behalf, with or without Trump’s knowledge, threatened Stormy Daniels, as she alleges.
The forgoing three paragraphs mean that special counsel Robert Mueller, a Republican, shouldn’t have felt compelled to ask Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, a Republican, for a search warrant, and the latter shouldn’t have needed to refer Mueller to Geoffrey Berman, U.S. attorney for the southern district of New York, and a Republican, and the FBI shouldn’t have raided the office of Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen and seized, probably at random, boxes of business records, emails, and other documents. A separate group of federal investigators known as the “taint team” will determine which documents are relevant to the sex case and/or Robert Mueller’s eternal investigation of possible Trump collusion with Russian operatives seeking to influence him and subvert the presidential election.
I hereby order the immediate cessation of all investigations and legal proceedings regarding the intimate life of President Donald Trump. I’d expect him to do the same for you and me, though I doubt he would. The day after the raid, Trump fired some strong points I hope he remembers when others are under siege, calling the raid “a disgrace… a witch hunt… an attack on the country… a whole new level of unfairness… ridiculous (since) there was no collusion with Russia…” and stating “attorney-client privilege is dead.”
Don’t worry about The Donald’s hormonal moments. Focus instead on the Russian investigation, tariffs, trade wars, preemptive wars, nuclear weapons, and the environment.