Lights glow, TV cameras roll, and Donald Trump says, “I want you to remember my remarks at Trump Tower the day I started my campaign for president. I used the word rape, and people said I was too tough. Now they’re saying I’m right. On the journey coming up here, from Central America through Mexico, women are being raped and murdered at levels nobody’s ever seen, and caravans of criminals are coming right into our country.”
Vicente Fox, tall and mustachioed, rises to announce, “High rates of homicide in Mexico are related to drug violence that’s driven by the consumer market in the United States. The drug cartels are based right here, and they hire Mexicans to bring narcotics to addicts here.”
“Those are some bad dudes, Vicente. We’re definitely not getting your good ones. Too many aren’t coming here on merit. They’re either sneaking in or winning a lottery and being pulled in by chain migration. It’s crazy. A guy can come in and eventually bring his brothers and sisters, and mother and father and grandparents, and then his cousins, aunts, and uncles. One guy eventually brought in twenty-two people, and one afternoon he just pulled off the road along the Hudson River where people run to stay in shape, and ran over and killed eight and maimed several others.
“We’ve got a crisis with illegal immigration. They’re not only committing violent crimes, they’re voting illegally. Don’t let the Democrats deny that. They’re voting illegally and they’re voting against Republicans. I’m doing something about it. I’ve already got about two billion dollars for the wall, and we’re building it, and pretty soon I’m going to send a few thousand National Guard troops to the border and keep them there until my wall is finished. Construction will move a lot faster once Mexico starts paying us for the wall.”
“Like I told you, Donald, we’re not going to pay for your fucking wall. Mexicans in the United States are working and making you money here, and our citizens at home are buying your products. You better not forget that every year Mexican farmers buy forty billion dollars of corn from the United States. Now, because of your tariffs and trade war, they’ve started buying in Central America. Your prices for food are going to go up, and because of your steel tariffs a lot of people in the United States aren’t going to be able to afford cars.”
“We need a better neighbor, Vicente.”
“Perhaps you’d prefer Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Russia, China, North Korea, or Iran on your southern border.”
“We’d like Canada on either side of us.”
“So would we,” says Fox.