I’m dynamic General Jones on my way to becoming Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Before I get there, right away, in fact, I’m going to unveil my blueprint for fortifying our schools, arming our educators, and protecting our children from the insanity and violence of those who misuse some of the most wonderful firearms yet created by man.
First, we must build impenetrable defensive perimeters around every school. That means the chain-link fences surrounding most soft targets must be either electrified or extended from eight feet to twenty feet into the heavens. But that’s only for now. Those cheap fences can be cut through by pruning shears and just won’t get it done long term. Frankly, we’re going to have to build walls around every school. Once that’s done, we’re in business. Parking lots obviously must be outside the walls so we won’t have to worry about checking cars, which could be wired with bombs. Agents and electronic devices will scrutinize students as they arrive, and we’ll limit every school to two entrances in the wall, and at these points we’ll install weapons detectors, and we’ll check all backpacks and purses, and in fact we’ll do everything the same way they do in airports and at ball games and concerts. Take everything out of your pockets and get out of those shoes. You build a damn wall and control and check who passes, and you’ve probably solved the problem right there.
However, if some lunatic does get in – and I don’t know how he could, especially if he’s armed – we must be prepared and rid ourselves of this namby-pamby notion that teachers and other employees on campus should not be armed. They must be armed and they will be. I know we’ll soon have a national law mandating that all school employees carry guns. If you can’t handle that, you can’t be in our new army of educators. We only want warriors leading our students because, goddamn it, we’re at war. And I guarantee that good classroom soldiers, administrators, security guards, secretaries, cooks, and custodians will start blowing away the bad guys before they even get off a shot.
Yes, I’ve heard the naysayers, like Ms. Smith, who wrote: “I never liked guns but after my divorce I heard many eerie sounds at night and decided to buy a pistol. The gun dealer who sold me the arm also sold me a gun safety course that included plenty of shooting at the store’s big indoor shooting range. I dreaded the explosion of that big gun and still do and refuse to fire it and sure can’t holster a big thing like that inside my thigh. Where would I keep it at school? Probably in my purse. Students would know where it is. And that lunatic who couldn’t get in armed could easily get in unarmed and grab my purse and open fire. Don’t tell me that can’t happen. Tell me why it wouldn’t happen.”
Ms. Smith, you’re not the kind of soldier we’re looking for. I suggest you try domestic work but, unless you’re armed, your libidinous male employer could lock his office or house and have his way with you.
We can’t worry about the Ms. Smiths of the world. We must concentrate on the lunatics we know are coming. I’m flexible. Before we arm all school employees, let’s train the security guards, which many campuses already have and all must promptly deploy, and transform them into certified sharpshooters. You know damn well their firepower would deter even a crazy man. And, like I said, few if any bad guys will even get through our walls and airport-style checkpoints.