I’m tweeting and shouting that lives and careers are being shattered by mere allegations, some true, some false, some new, some old, and I want to know what happened to due process. Doesn’t Rob Porter deserve to be innocent until proven guilty?
Sure, I’m the big boss but retired general John Kelly, my chief of staff, is the immediate supervisor of my bright young assistant secretary Rob Porter, and Kelly says he has “full confidence” in our impressive graduate of Harvard and Oxford and is “not actively searching for replacements.” That’s because John Kelly believes Porter’s a “man of true integrity and honor” and he “can’t say enough good things about him” because he’s “a friend, a confidante, and a trusted professional” and Kelly’s “proud to serve alongside him.”
I’m also proud to have Rob Porter close to me in a White House office where he decides which documents I should read. I generally don’t read much of them but Rob advises me about the content. Look, the FBI gave Porter “interim clearance” the same way other administrations have handled things. He probably would’ve had full clearance except for allegations by two former wives. My first wife, Ivana, wrote in a book that I once raped her. You know that’s gotta be a lie.
So I wonder about these two wives of Rob Porter. The first, Colbie Holderness, a hottie, claims he abused her before marriage. Then why’d she marry him? And she says on their honeymoon in the Canary Islands during an argument he kicked her in the thigh. A couple of years later on an Italian vacation – he took her to real nice places – she claims he threw her down on the bed and punched her face. She says that’s the only time he ever punched her but he sometimes yelled and choked her and pushed his limbs into her body. Who really knows about that stuff unless they were there? Rob Porter told me he didn’t do it. And he told you, “These outrageous allegations are simply false” and he’s “been transparent and truthful about these vile claims” and refuses to “further engage publicly with a coordinated smear campaign.”
I guess his second wife, Jennie Willoughby, another babe, is part of this smear campaign. She claims on their honeymoon in Myrtle Beach he called her a “fucking bitch” and shouted it was “fucking ridiculous” she wasn’t giving him as much sex as he wanted on their romantic vacation. She also says later on she walked away from an argument and took a shower until Rob reached in, grabbed her shoulders, and pulled her out of the shower. She says her horrified look shocked Rob into apologizing.
This gossip might have been the end of the matter but first wife Colbie posted a photo of the black eye she says Rob gave her during that expensive Italian vacation. Okay, where’d that picture come from? Rob took it, Colbie says. So you tell me. Why would Rob photograph evidence of an assault he swears he didn’t commit?
That’s why I’m tweeting about due process. I’m catching a lot of heat now, and you better believe chief of staff John Kelly is catching hell from me because I’m not sure he really “took immediate and direct action” about Porter. I’m the one who said he’s gotta go. In business, sometimes you gotta let good people go. I imagine we’ll be in touch, though, since Rob’s dating Hope Hicks, a nice piece of ass who’s one of my closest advisers.