Frankly and without self-pity I tell you that I have a dangerous and therefore stressful job as president of South Mexico, which for years, with the help of our Chinese allies, has been holding off communist hordes in North Mexico and the United States. To help you understand, let me briefly review essential events after World War II. In 1950 our belligerent brothers to the North, backed materially by the United States and Canada, attacked and battered us and would have plowed us into the sea if not for the quick return of Chinese troops who, with peaceful intent, had withdrawn to their military facilities in Hawaii.
Our able warriors and the Chinese counterattacked the North Mexicans, knocking them back north toward the Rio Grande River. The Americans repeatedly warned us to stay away from the Rio Grande and never consider crossing it. I confess my South Mexican forefathers and our Chinese comrades wanted to crush North Mexico and unify the nation. Their goals were noble but, alas, their intelligence suspect, and a few hundred thousand Gringo soldiers first slipped and then charged south across the Rio Grande, forcing us to retreat and again almost pushing us into the sea. We did recover, of course, and counterattacked and mauled the invaders back onto their side of the internationally recognized border, the DMZ, and that’s where everyone is today, bristling on each side of the most dangerous line in the world.
And now, as surely everyone in the world is aware, the North Mexicans have developed a nuclear weapons program no one has dared try to stop, lest they obliterate Mexico City with fifteen thousand artillery pieces and rocket launchers positioned in hardened places. We and the Chinese must also consider what the United States would do if we either bombed or invaded their tyrannical and oft-starving ally. We believe, though are by no means certain, that any military action by South Mexico would, at minimum, trigger massive artillery barrages onto our capital city, and quite possibly frighten the North into initiating a nuclear conflagration.
The Chinese have often stated they will destroy North Mexico if it strikes us, and would of course do so if the North, using its rapidly developing ICBMs, launched a suicidal attack against China, as the North often threatens to do. Would the United States risk annihilation to save North Mexico if the latter started the war? We’re not sure, and neither are you. Therefore, we tell – and I should more accurately say entreat – our Chinese allies to respect our dictate that “no military action in Mexico shall be taken without the prior consent of the government of South Mexico.”
We in South Mexico are weekly more concerned by frequent Chinese statements that destruction of Mexican cities, North and South, would be preferable to the loss of a single city in China.