Bearing a big smile Donald Trump for a hefty man strides rapidly into Malacañang Palace and extends a hand to his host, President Rodrigo Duterte, who says, “No, bro, like this,” and holds out his right fist, evidently a more macho version of the Nazi salute, which after all was open-handed, and nods for Trump to do the same. Both leaders brandish knuckles, and only afterward do they shake hands, smile for photos, and make a few perfunctory remarks before retreating to a private chamber for discussion.
“Go ahead, President Trump, I know you have to talk about it?”
“About what? Call me Donald, by the way.”
“You know, that human rights stuff liberals in our countries are complaining about.”
“I saw that on TV. Terrible. All those criminals in your streets, protesting that I plan to expand U.S. military bases in the Philippines and push you into our war with North Korea. I’m not going to do that. I still hope there won’t be a nuclear war. Maybe Japan and South Korea should have nuclear weapons, and if they do then you should, too.”
“We’re not really planning to develop nuclear weapons, Donald.”
“Look, if you’d had nukes in 1941, the Japanese never would’ve attacked you.”
“No one had nukes in 1941.”
“Exactly my point.”
“I was earlier referring to my war on drugs,” says Duterte.
“Great job. I’ve already praised you publicly and by phone and am happy to tell you today that I admire what you’re doing. How many of the bad guys have you gotten so far?”
“My police have killed at least four thousand dealers and addicts in the year and a half I’ve been president, and a few thousand others are missing, and I think, really, there are a lot more than that.”
“We should bring you to the United States for a while,” Trump says.
“I’m glad you aren’t going to lecture me about due process and the rule of law and all that crap. I am the law, and if my police or vigilantes think people have been using or selling drugs, then who the hell needs a trial? Shoot the bastards. Some of them are shooting at us, anyway. You understand this problem, unlike that black son of a whore Barack Obama.”
“Obama was a terrible man and worse president.”
“I can’t imagine a president letting his town, Chicago, be inundated by drugs and murder. When I was mayor of Davao City I used to speed around on my motorbike, looking for criminals to shoot, and told my police, ‘If I can do it, why can’t you?’”
“Maybe I should get a motorbike, too,” says Trump.
“I’ve got an extra in the garage. We could go riding and shooting right now.”