I knew I was going to be a great president but, frankly, I’m far surpassing my own expectations and am rebuilding the nation and the world in ways I know are necessary. Let’s start with disastrous Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act I just I last week cut back because its author had lied to the American people and told them they could keep their own doctors and pay lower premiums. We know that was never true. My plan, and I swear I’ve got one, will really make health care affordable for all Americans. Don’t listen to fake news hounds who claim six million of you will suffer when I eliminate cost-sharing subsidies paid to insurers by the federal government. And in particular it’s a lie that seventy percent of those who benefit most from Obamacare live in states I won in 2016. My enemies won’t be able to weaken my already excellent chances for reelection.
I’m also ensuring American strength by ignoring wild claims that human activity is causing the world to heat up and lash us with hurricanes and other disasters. Listen, the world has always had extreme changes in weather and there’s nothing we can do about it. Pumping billions of tons of carbon dioxide and coal smoke into the atmosphere won’t hurt us a bit, and only wimps and hypocrites fear efforts that lead to economic growth. Let me ask the solar and wind loonies a simple question: do you usually travel in private or public vehicles powered by fossil fuels? You damn well do unless you ride a bicycle or hang-glide to work.
I’m as strong on women’s rights as I am the environment and understand that crude and unattractive women should keep their mouths shut so powerful men don’t get turned off by their barking. I like young and beautiful babes who’re great pieces of ass and very deferential, especially in public. Melania’s hot as they come but obedient most of the time. Look, I’ve got five kids so I understand women, including pregnant women, and babies. Trust me, we can’t force God-fearing companies to pay for birth control if they believe it’s wrong. And I guarantee you should ignore those who say “restricting birth control will likely increase the rate of abortions.” Okay, I used to be pro-choice but can’t be that anymore and am building a Supreme Court, and a society, that during my first term may overturn Roe v. Wade. We need more babies but we have to be careful about too much maternity leave since we’ve got to keep the country competitive. If women want equal pay, they’ve got to work and produce like a man.
I’m protecting American jobs by continuing to strengthen our borders. The Great Wall of Trump is coming, a little slower than I planned but it’s on the way. Meanwhile, I’m preparing to send millions of those Dream Act babies back where they came from. I know their parents brought them here when they were minors, or even babies, but a nation either has laws or it doesn’t, and we do. Now we need a new national law to protect the flag and fire all those blacks in the National Football League who kneel during the National Anthem. I also plan to enact criminal and civil laws to prevent the fake news media from polluting your minds. They’re so pitiful they often publish lists of what they claim are my lies. I don’t lie or I’d have never gotten elected by a landslide.
I’m really strong in the field of foreign policy. No, not because the Russians tutored me during the campaign. I’ll soon be suing people who say things like that. I’ve focused on our most dangerous enemies, North Korea and Iran, and last week officially denounced the nuclear deal with Iran. The Iranians insist they’re following the terms of the agreement. Our European allies – are they really our friends? – as well as the Russians and Chinese maintain the terms are being adhered to. I disagree, and my call for Congress to reinstate tough sanctions is the first step in getting rid of this deal and writing a better one. If the Iranians don’t shape up, they may end up like North Korea.