I bet last week ninety-nine percent of you hadn’t heard of me but already you consider me a box office stud. The New Yorker, The Atlantic, CNN, and lots of other important news organizations are publicizing my fight to identify and squash White House leakers who don’t care my friend, President Donald Trump, is trying to save the United States from getting fucked over. He knows I’ve got his back. I don’t backstab, I front-stab. If necessary, I’ll cut a guy’s balls off.
That’s probably what I’ll do to Reince Preibus, the paranoid schizophrenic who spent six months cock-blocking my efforts to work in the White House and leaking my financial information. Now he squeals when the president and I break bread together. You know The Donald would rather be with a cool dude than a dorky little bastard like Preibus. By the way, if Preibus hasn’t been leaking, I invite him to say so. I also encourage Steve Bannon to swear he hasn’t been sucking his own cock. I guarantee I haven’t been blowing mine.
I’ve got perfect instincts and training to be communications director in the White House. I think like a gangster and studied law at Harvard University the same time as Barack Obama who’s aware twenty years later I overcame his Wall-Street bashing and managed billions of dollars. People don’t forget Anthony Scaramucci. I’m the Mooch operating in a cesspool called Washington and know how to get things done fast like removing Sean Spicer’s as press secretary. We’ve got too many fish who stink from the head down.
I don’t mind when people take a look at my political record. I first backed Scott Walker in the Republican primary and then switched to Jeb Bush and on TV said tell Donald “he’ll be President of the Queen’s County Bully Association.” That’s front-stabbing. The president likes guys ballsy enough for that. So what if I opposed walling off Mexico? That shit’s not going to happen anyway. Yeah, I said Islam’s a religion of peace, a position I can alter as quickly as my presidential candidates. I supported gun control but be careful. Don’t I look like a guy who could be packin’? All right, I said humans may be affecting the climate. But maybe it’s just cyclical, like the president says. Things change. I’m proud to have been a hardliner on Russia because I think The Donald’s going to start getting really tough on them, too.