Can you believe my fake news enemies wanted to steal the women’s U.S. Open championship from me and my Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey? They said the president shouldn’t benefit by having a major tournament played on his golf course and it would be inappropriate since they claim I’m not always a gentleman with the ladies. Listen, I was voted ladies man of the year in prep school and have since enjoyed the affection and admiration of countless women. You know they dig confident guys who’ve got power and money especially if, like me, they’re also handsome and cool.
I told the liberal bozos I’d sue their asses if they tried to move the tournament and of course they backed down. It’s better this way, giving thousands of people on the course and millions at home the exciting chance to watch me arrive three straight days in my caravan of big beast limousines and step out, wearing a red golf cap, to wave and fist pump and smile and wink at cheering fans. The few protestors have already been sent down the fairway. I casually walk to my elevated box framed by green bulletproof windows. I can still see the players and fans and they can see me well too.
I know it’s going to be a hell of a tournament and love the way Sung Hyun Park, a hot lady of twenty-three, shoots five under par sixty-seven the last two days to win her first major. But remember, she got to hit from the ladies tees, and in my prime I could’ve shot that or better if I’d driven from the same place. Sung is from South Korea, and if this hadn’t been a good time golf tournament I’d have promised her I’m going to protect her country from the lunatic Kim Jong Un and his nuclear armed hordes in North Korea. I can’t tell you just how I’m going to do that because I don’t want our enemies to know. Just remember, I’ll handle it.
I’ve got everything covered and my presidency is going great. I’m so proud of Don Jr. for explaining why he met with Russians during the campaign last year. He was ready to work with anyone who could help save our nation from a disastrous Hillary Clinton presidency. Look how much better things are with me in command. We’ve just defeated ISIS in Mosul and Iraq is doing a lot better, though as you know I wouldn’t have attacked them in 2003. That was crazy. I’m a dealmaker not a clumsy aggressor.
Pretty soon I’m going to have a great new health care bill for you. It’ll be much better and less expensive than Obamacare, and those who say my plan would ruin Medicare and Medicaid are liars. Lots of them are probably among the millions who illegally voted against me. I’m going to clean up our electoral process, and I’m going to keep cracking down on illegal aliens and others who want to ruin our way of life. I’ll stop them because I have the support of a majority of Americans who know there’s no way my approval rating is only thirty-eight percent like the fake news crowd claims.