Donald Trump – President Kim, this is President Trump calling to tell you that it won’t happen.
Kim Jong Un – It’s already happened.
DT – I’m referring to North Korea actually deploying an ICBM.
KJU – Consider them as good as deployed on quite mobile Chinese-built trucks you’ll never be able to track.
DT – I’ve been leaning on our Chinese friends, but I may have to press harder to get them to keep you in line.
KJU – I’ve read that you’re profoundly uninformed and now hear it directly from you. The Chinese aren’t your friends. They’re my friends, as they were my grandfather’s comrades during the Korean War, which for us never really ended. Even if you haven’t read the reports yourself, you have aides who did and they’ve doubtless informed you that many of our rapid advances are based on Chinese missile technology.
DT – The Chinese better not be giving you dangerous technology.
KJU – My scientists are the finest in the world. We don’t need to be given anything, just coached a little. Besides, there’s nothing you can do about it.
DT – We could annihilate you. And we will, if necessary.
KJU – That’s why we’re going to maintain many nuclear-tipped ICBMs.
DT – You’re still not there.
KJU – We’re much closer than you and South Korea and Japan wish we were. We’ve already fit miniaturized nuclear warheads on intermediate-range missiles that would kill millions of enemies in this region. And unless you’re incompetent, you know we’ll soon figure out how to similarly arm our long-range missiles.
DT – We’ll crush you with sanctions. We’ll tighten financial lines to China and force them to cut you off.
KJU – President Trump, I understand that you’re not a scholar but at least you’re quite the cable guy, so I’m confident you’ve heard the accurate news reports that our trade with China grew forty percent during the first quarter this year.
DT – Listen, President Kim, I think our two nations should be friends. We’re ready to negotiate the suspension-for-suspension that’s been proposed by the peaceful leaders of China and Russia. You quit testing missiles and nuclear weapons, and South Korea and the United States will stop our annual large military exercises.
KJU – Those issues are quite worth discussing, and soon.
DT – Wonderful. We need to rid the Korean peninsula of nuclear weapons. We took out all our nukes in 1991, you know.
KJU – So what? Your missile-firing submarines lurk off our coasts, and you send nuclear-armed aircraft carrier groups into our waters whenever you want. We’re ready to discuss the moratorium you mentioned, but you’ll never get us to relinquish the nuclear weapons we already have and those we in the future choose to build.
DT – One way or the other, we won’t let you have the capability to strike the continental United States.
KJU – Have you discussed this with South Korea and Japan. They’re under the gun. So are we. Why shouldn’t you also be?
DT – Because we’re not you.
KJU – And I’m not Saddam Hussein or Muammar Gaddafi. Good day.