Print This Post Print This Post

The Obama Store

I view myself, justifiably and with appropriate humility, as a transformational leader who shall reshape the world into a peaceful, affluent, and environmentally pure place. And I ask simply that you consider me thus rather than an incomparably cool and charismatic cat who on January 20, 2009 will spontaneously wield a magic wand to vaporize economic catastrophes, domestic crises, and wars foreign and atmospheric. I’m just a man, and I need your help. The annual four hundred grand you’ll pay me in the White House is not enough. Neither are the trillions in taxes you feed your ravenous and inept government. To rectify matters, I need more cash. Please go to my website and Buy Obama.

Do not consider this a rebuke, but if you haven’t already purchased your Obama Art, you blew it. We’re sold out. Countless progressive thinkers and collectors swooped in for posters pronouncing POSSIBLE – HOPE – VOTE – SEA TO SHINING SEA – YES WE CAN – PROGRESS – CHANGE. The messages were often accompanied by my face, depicted as that of a joyous and determined leader, and once each by doves and people holding hands. All background designs, donated by professional artists, were creative as my prose, from mystical to realistic.

Click the Shirts icon and enter a new sartorial universe where you can buy OBAMA and KIDS FOR OBAMA and HOPE T-Shirts for $25, Sports Shirts for $40, a chic DARE TO DREAM Ladies Tank Top for $45, elegant $60 T-Shirts, and the piece de résistance, a CHANGE IS GOOD Wrap Shirt for $70.

To enhance your splendor, as you saunter through any community, go to Accessories and get a sterling silver 2008 Hope Charm for $35, a $75 Obama ’08 Bracelet, a Be the Change Scarf for only $95, and crown yourself with either an Obama Logo Embroidered Hat for $15 or a snazzy $75 Obama Hat. You’ll look even sharper after clicking on the Buttons page where for only a buck you can find almost everyone For Obama – ASIAN AMERICANS PACIFIC ISLANDERS – LATINOS – AFRICAN AMERICANS – REPUBLICANS – CATHOLICS – WOMEN – VETERANS – SPORTSMEN – (and even those forgotten) FIRST AMERICANS. Finish making yourself a human Christmas tree by clicking other iconic departments in my online store and finding the right $10 Obama Logo Lapel Pin. And don’t forget your automobile. Stickers and Car Magnets are only $5 apiece.

Whether you’re walking or driving, you’ll want to stay cool, and the way to do that is with your Obama Hand Fan for a meager three dollars. Keep yourself hydrated with water sucked from a 12-buck DNC Water Bottle. If you’d like to write me a fan letter, pull out your ocean-blue Obama Notebook, a virtual giveaway at $25. Keep those thoughts safe in an array of Obama Tote Bags for $75.

Why am I still sending you emails asking for donations and purchase of merchandise, after my historic electoral victory in November and within weeks of my inauguration? I’ve got to be ready in 2012. The mess I’m inheriting can’t be cleaned up in one term. Four years hence I shall win again because of your support. Keep coming back to to buy incredible new products currently in development. By next spring we’ll have the dynamic Air Obama Basketball Shoes to launch those wearing the Obama Athletic Support.

This entry was posted in Barack Obama, Internet, Politics.