I never claimed to be a diplomat but still resent Senator John McCain and others saying I don’t have a great intellect. I must be pretty damn smart or I couldn’t have gotten into North Korea several times, I forget how many, and had fun personal visits with President Kim Jong Un, who’s very humble and a good guy, and he let me be the first to hold his baby daughter. You should’ve seen how happy he was.
I admit I got drunk a lot during one of my visits and sang happy birthday to the Dear Leader at a basketball game and cussed out reporters who questioned why Kenneth Bae had been sentenced to fifteen years in prison.
“Do you understand what he did?” I asked.
They didn’t know Bae had planned to preach some religious stuff in the country, but he still got out and I hope you know he thanked me for publicizing his case. Now college student Otto Warmbier has been released after more than a year in jail for trying to steal a political banner that said, “Let’s arm ourselves strongly with Kim Jong Il’s patriotism!” You can’t disrespect the late Dear Leader any more than you can insult his son. It’s too bad Otto’s in a coma. That’s not cool.
I plan to do some great things this trip in North Korea. Remember, Kim loves basketball and oldies rock and roll like The Doors and Jimi Hendrix. Sure, he loves power, too, but he’s got a lot of responsibility for a kid only thirty-three and wants to please his father and grandfather, who I’ve sorta met in the museum where they’re frozen under glass. They’re still impressive dudes but they did some bad stuff and I’ve told Kim he can be better. I also understand, unlike most Americans, that Kim Jong Un and North Korea only need nuclear weapons because they’re a small country and have to deter the United States from attacking them.
I haven’t seen my friend for life yet because I’ve been busy watching their women’s basketball team practice and visiting the birthplace of his grandfather, Kim Il Sung. I know Kim’s also waiting to see if I start drinking again. He doesn’t want to have to make excuses for not seeing me if I’m overdoing it. This time I won’t. I went into rehab after getting back last time “just to sort things out. I’m not an alcoholic. An alcoholic drinks seven days a week. I don’t… I don’t hurt nobody, I don’t have no DUIs, nothing like that.”
Once Kim Jong Un see’s I’m okay I know he’ll want to see me. I know he gets as big a kick being with me as I do hanging with him. I’m thankful for this visit and would like to thank my sponsors, the hip people at PotCoin, who’re trying to make it easy for pot smokers to safely pay sellers online.